Épisode Un dernier hommage S03E03 - Six Feet Under Saison 3

Prelude

Scene: Nightclub, exterior/Dark Alley, late at night

A 19 year-old girl, CALLIE RENEE MORTIMER, walks out of a loud dance club, and crosses the street on a dark night. She sings to herself as she walks along. As she passes a street corner, a group of guys whistle at her. She continues walking on. Suddenly, she realizes that they’re following her.

Guy: Hey, baby! Where you goin’ with that ass!

Another one whistles. Terrified, CALLIE begins to quicken her pace, trying to get as far away from this shadowy group of guys as she can.

Guy: Come here, we’re talkin’ to you!

Guy #2: Slow down, bitch!

Guy #3: Hey, we just want to have a good time.

Guy #2: You know you want some of this!

Guy #3: Bitch, you know it’s gonna happen!

Growing more and more scared, CALLIE begins to panic. She makes a mad dash across the street. Suddenly, she realizes she knows these guys. She stops in the middle of the street.

Zach: Hey, Callie. It’s just us!

Callie: Goddammit, Zach!

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a car (the driver honking his horn and slamming his foot on the brake) slams into CALLIE, knocking her to the ground. The three guys, horrified, run to CALLIE.

All: (ad-lib) Oh, shit! Callie! Callie! Callie!

The screen fades to white.

"CALLIE RENEE MORTIMER,

1984-2003"

Act One

Scene One: Gay Men's Chorus Rehearsal

In an auditorium, the Gay Male Chorus of Los Angeles stands on stage, rehearsing. DAVID is in the middle of the second row. The CHORUS DIRECTOR, a guy in his late 30s/early 40s looks displeased, standing at a podium and conducting.

Chorus: (sings) “It’s only a paper moon/Sailing over a cardboard sea/But it wouldn’t be make believe/If you believed in me…Yes, it’s only a canvas sky/Hanging over a muslin tree/But it wouldn’t be make believe/If you believed in me.”

Chorus Director: (interrupting them) Perfect! That’s exactly how I want it to sound in Pasadena. Uch! That’s just horrible! Baritones, someone among you was singing a “B-flat,” of all inappropriate notes. And, um, well, there was a certain tenor who’s sharp on the “G”…a lot. I can only pray to Jesus you know who you are, (overenunciates) Evan! (The other chorus members make shocked “oooh!” noises.) Lose the emotion, Dennis! That’s touching, but no one cares! Okay. Sadly for our audiences who have paid $25 to hear, we do not have time to work on that tonight. But please, and I am begging you from a place of raw desperation, learn your parts this weekend. For them, if not for me. (pause) Dismissed.

Everybody prepares to leave. A young guy, PATRICK, who has a crush on DAVID, comes up to him.

Patrick: David!

DAVID turns around.

Patrick: Hey, are you going to Evan’s open house tomorrow?

David: No. I’d love to, but I can’t.

Patrick: I promise, it won’t be one of those sloppy scenes where everybody ends up naked in the pool, and you have to deal with image of their soggy pubic hair in your mind for the rest of your life.

DAVID laughs.

David: Well, that’s good.

PATRICK laughs.

David: Yeah, it’s just, I’m going away.

Patrick: Oh. Well, I’m sure he’ll have another.

David: I hope so, because I’d really love to go.

Patrick: (smiles) Okay. Well, see you next week.

DAVID leaves. PATRICK watches him go, and smiles.

Scene Two: Claire's Bedroom, nighttime

PHIL and CLAIRE are in bed together. We hear PHIL moan and then finally scream. CLAIRE shushes him, and puts her hand over his mouth.

Claire: Shhh!!! Shut up. My mom is a really light sleeper.

Phil: Sorry. That was—It was a really great one.

Claire: (smiles) It was?

Phil: Mmm. How were yours?

Claire: Good.

Phil: Just good? Both?

Claire: It was just one…but it was good. It was very good.

Phil: I think we can do better.

He kisses her neck, and then her breasts, but she starts to fidget.

Phil: Are you tired?

Claire: It’s really late.

Phil: I was thinking I’d sleep over.

Claire: I don’t know…I guess.

Phil: Is that cool?

Claire: (pauses a moment) Yeah, fuck it. Don’t go to the bathroom, though, ‘cause my mom gets up to pee like 500 times a night!

PHIL kisses her arm. She lies back and closes her eyes. Suddenly he stops. She looks up.

Phil: Now I have to pee.

Claire: (laughs) Just go out the window. That’s what Nate used to do when this was his room. Just try to avoid the avocado tree ‘cause we eat those.

They both laugh. He gets up, hesitating.

Claire: Just do it.

He goes over to the window, naked, opens it, and pees.

Scene Three: Park, next morning

RUTH and BETTINA are hiking in the same place RUTH took a walk in “Perfect Circles.”

Ruth: Almost there.

Bettina: My ass is killing me!

Ruth: Sciatica?

Bettina: No! It’s used to being nestled in a nice soft car seat for this trip!

RUTH laughs. BETTINA goes over to a nearby bush and spits into it.

Ruth: I just love the fresh air!

Bettina: It smells a lot like dog crap.

Ruth: We had a little dog years ago, a terrier we got for Nate when I was pregnant for David so he wouldn’t be jealous of the baby, y’know? Yippie, he called him.

BETTINA laughs.

Ruth: But he had some kind of a rare heart defect, so, the day we came home with David, Yippie crawled under Nate’s old bed and died!

They finally get to a bench, and BETTINA, panting, out of breath, looks like she’s just reached heaven.

Bettina: That’s how my last husband went. Heart defect.

They sit down.

Bettina: Jogged 5 miles every morning, then one day…poof! 46 years old.

Ruth: (takes a drink from her water bottle) Oh, that’s awful!

Bettina: That’s better than with my first husband. Melanoma at 25. Then it was in and out of the hospital for 10 years. Chemo 3 times. That was hard. I really loved him.

Ruth: I’m so sorry!

She hands her water bottle to BETTINA. BETTINA takes a big drink.

Ruth: When did you remarry?

Bettina: Well…there was one in between the two that died. He was just a dog. He tried to sleep with every single one of my girlfriends. He probably live to be a hundred! And screwing other people’s wives the whole time! Son of a bitch! (takes another sip)

RUTH laughs.

Ruth: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Bettina: No, it’s okay. It is funny.

She hands the water back to RUTH.

Ruth: I just never thought of myself as lucky having only buried one husband before.

Bettina: Lucky, unlucky. I don’t know. I’m unlucky I ran through 3 husbands. I’m lucky I got to retire early off the insurance. I’m unlucky my son set fire to the house. (RUTH laughs, a little shocked.) I’m lucky I never had a urinary tract infection. I don’t even care if it works out fair in the end. I’m sure it doesn’t. I still have to haul my own ass out of bed in the morning.

Ruth: I went to this…I took a kind of seminar that was about that…

Bettina: Oh, EST? (RUTH shakes her head.) Lifespring? (shakes her head) The Plan?

Ruth: (nods) The Plan.

Bettina: My daughter was into that for years. She was a group leader. She inspired thousands of people to change their lives.

RUTH looks up, impressed.

Bettina: Now, she’s hoarding firearms in a compound in Montana.

Ruth: (stunned) No!

Bettina: She’s always been very susceptible to group mentality. Maybe I could’ve given her a stronger sense of self, but, you know, I did my best. Some things are just genetic.

Ruth: Well, what are you going to do? Can’t you get some kind of a de-programmer to go in and rescue her?

Bettina: You know what? She’s an adult. I mean, it’s her life now. Maybe I screwed her up, maybe I didn’t. My son turned out fine. How are your kids?

Ruth: Fine…I think. (smiles, then checks her watch) I have to go. I have a job interview in two hours, and I have to shower.

Bettina: What kind of job?

Ruth: As an accountant for a chain of dry cleaners. I’ve always been good with books.

Bettina: (laughs, sarcastic) Oooh, sounds fun!

Ruth: (laughs) Oh, I know. But I need the extra income, and it’s good for me to get out of the house.

Bettina: You’re out of the house right now!

Ruth: That’s true.

Bettina: I think it’d be better to go to breakfast. The French Marketplace has a 3.99 special. (enticing) Mmm mmm mmm mmm!

RUTH smiles, and caves in.

Scene Four: Intake Room

NATE and RICO have an intake meeting with CALLIE’s mother, PAULA, and older sister, RACHEL. PAULA sits beside RACHEL, crying.

Rachel: She was running from a group of boys who were whistling, and she got scared that they were…following her into a parking structure. So…she ran into the street. The car was speeding, it was dark…

Nate: I’m so sorry. Did they catch the boys?

Rachel: They were the ones who called the ambulance. They were her friends.

Rico: I’m sorry. I don’t quite understand.

Rachel: They were just playing around. They were all in a state of shock that a woman could be terrified by a group of men chasing her at night. (breaks into tears) Of course you don’t think it’s your friends! When they saw her running, they tried calling her name. But it was too late. It was an accident.

Scene Five: Carol's Bedroom

LISA enters CAROL’s bedroom, holding a plate with a piece of chocolate cake on it.

Lisa: Carol?

She enters the room to find that CAROL has made a tent of white sheets on her bed, by covering not only her bed in a sheet, but putting another one up, over her bedposts. She is hiding inside.

Lisa: I’m here with your cake.

Carol: Thanks. Just pass it in here.

Lisa: In…where?

CAROL sticks her hand out of a slit where the two sheets meet each other.

Lisa: Are you okay?

Carol: I just need to have my cake in a safe, white place today.

Lisa: Did something happen?

CAROL sticks her head out of the slit.

Carol: I had a very upsetting conference call with Kate Hudson’s people.

Lisa: Oh.

Carol: It’s unbelievably demeaning to have these little girls in their $800 shoes who grew up watching music videos telling me what a movie is. I’ve been in this business for 20 years. I’ve worked with Stallone, Ellen Barkin, Melanie fucking Griffith! My work is everything to me! I haven’t even had a life! No, I’m on the fuckin’ set, dealing with everyone else’s crisis! Roping in the director, firing the writer, wrangling the star! And who takes care of me? Who even wants to take care of me? (looks to LISA for an answer)

Lisa: That sounds really hard. (obviously not the answer CAROL wanted)

Carol: Uch, it’s so bright out here!

She lies back under the covers and sticks her hand out to accept the cake.

Carol: Careful, Lisa! These sheets are new from Pratesi!

Lisa: Do you have your cake towel?

Carol: It’s in here.

The baby starts crying from the other room.

Lisa: Okay, I’ll come back later for the cake plate.

She starts to walk out, and CAROL’s head pops out again.

Carol: I still need my poopy shake at two.

Lisa: Right.

Carol: Lisa, honey? Your husband’s car was parked again in the driveway last night. I don’t think he understands how much of a problem this is.

Lisa: He came home so late, I’m sure he just thought you wouldn’t need to get out.

Carol: What if I did, though?

Lisa: You would’ve called us.

Carol: No, I don’t want to bother you in your private time at home! No!

Lisa: I’ll tell him.

Carol: It’s not that challenging to find street parking!

Scene Six: Fisher Kitchen

PHIL, shirtless, stands in the kitchen, talking to RUTH, who is admiring his tattoo.

Ruth: Is it a snake? Or some kind of tropical vine?

Phil: It’s kind of a combination of Maori Ta Moko and also Japanese Kanji for, like, inner wisdom, I think. (points to a part of the tattoo) This, right here.

Ruth: Oh, my!

CLAIRE comes down the stairs and enters the kitchen, in a bathrobe, her hair wet. She is freaked out that her mom ran into PHIL and knows he spent the night.

Claire: I thought you were going to an interview.

Ruth: I decided that job wasn’t really me.

Claire: Oh.

Ruth: Well, there’s eggs and bacon in the fridge, and I think there are still some frozen waffles.

Claire: Yeah, they’ve been there since like 1992.

Ruth: That’s not true! They’re perfectly fresh.

Phil: I’ll take a waffle.

RUTH smiles and gets the box out of the freezer. CLAIRE pours coffee for herself.

Ruth: Let’s say…you’ve just met someone, oh, a month or so ago, and after a few weeks of exchanging messages, you finally get together for a nice activity, like, like a hike, for example, and you have a delightful time, and you think the other person did too. How long would you wait to call the person to set up another date?

Phil: Who called who first?

Claire: Is this another boyfriend?

Ruth: No, it is not! And I don’t appreciate that tone. (puts the box of waffles back in the freezer after putting two in the toaster) I did originally.

Phil: Wait. It’s his turn. It’s really bad to be, like, begging for it.

Ruth: Hmm. The waffles are in the toaster. Nice to meet you, dear.

She leaves the room. CLAIRE laughs nervously.

Claire: You don’t want to eat those. I can make you some toast.

Phil: That’s okay. I’ll grab something on the way to work.

He gets up.

Claire: Oh, do you want to see “A Clockwork Orange” tomorrow night? I’ve never seen it, and Russell says it’s like mandatory viewing for all humans.

Phil: I can’t. We’re playing at The Snell.

Claire: Really? What time do you guys go on?

Phil: We probably won’t start till, like, 11…

Claire: Okay.

Phil: But it may not be that fun for you. I have these other friends coming who you don’t know…

Claire: So, can’t I meet them?

Phil: I don’t…think you really want to.

Claire: (gets it now) Oh, okay.

Phil: But Friday’s awesome, if you want to see the movie then.

Claire: No, it’s only tomorrow. Friday’s “Eyes Wide Shut.”

Phil: Do you want to see that?

Claire: I did.

Phil: Okay, so…we’ll do something else.

He kisses her.

Scene Seven: David's Car

DAVID and KEITH are in the car, driving to their weekend getaway vacation. DAVID is wearing sunglasses and both are more laidback than they’ve been as of late.

Keith: (reading the brochure) “Private balconies, invigorating pool and Jacuzzis, gourmet cuisine, and an array of activities are just some of the pleasures awaiting our guests at the romantic refuge that is Los Lomos.”

David: I hope there’s shuffleboard.

KEITH laughs.

David: I’m serious! They had it at this place in Santa Barbara my parents used to take us when we were kids. I really had a knack for it. It’s the only thing I could ever beat Nate at.

Keith: (reads) “The picturesque village nearby offers visitors sophisticated restaurants, art galleries, antique and specialty shops.”

David: I just want to sit by the pool and drink Pina Coladas all day. (sings) “If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the…(stops) Whoops!

KEITH laughs.

David: (playfully) Does that count?

Keith: Yes, it does.

David: But I stopped!

Keith: (overlapping) You owe me a dollar!

David: I stopped!

Keith: All right, 50 cents.

David: I should get a dollar every time you say the word “calorie” or “carb.”

Keith: How often do I say those?

David: A lot! More than I sing.

Keith: I don’t think so.

DAVID gives him an “Oh, really?” face.

Scene Eight: Nate's Car

Nate parks his car on the road by CAROL’s house. He sits in the car, thinks about getting out, and going into the house but doesn’t. Then, he looks out the window and around to see if anyone’s watching. He’s all alone. He undoes his belt and unzips his fly. He lies back and closes his eyes as he starts to masturbate.

Scene Nine: Lisa's Apartment

LISA sits in the kitchen, pumping breast milk. NATE enters, his shirt now untucked from his pants.

Nate: Whatcha doin’?

Lisa: Pumping.

Nate: Mooooo!

Lisa: Thanks for helping me feel even sexier than I already do at this moment.

He kisses her on the face, but she nudges him off.

Nate: You’re crazy. You couldn’t be more beautiful. You’re like a fountain of life.

Lisa: Eww!

Nate: (looks at MAYA) Is she still sleeping? What, Carol slip in here and give her some cognac?

Lisa: Hardly. She missed her early nap because I had to use the blender all morning. Where did you park?

Nate: In the street. And she could’ve totally gotten out this morning.

Lisa: Of course. The reality is, she has trouble driving in reverse, so it makes her nervous having cars in the driveway.

Nate: Yeah, she just doesn’t want people to think she drives an American car.

Lisa: Whatever. Let’s do our part for peace.

He goes into the bathroom and flashes her a peace sign before closing the door behind him.

Scene Ten: Pool at the Resort

DAVID and KEITH head out for the pool, both in swim trunks and carrying towels, robes, etc. As they pass by all the vacationers, DAVID starts feeling paranoid.

A blonde woman looks up at KEITH and him and says, “Ewww!,” a look of disgust on her face. Her husband turns away and pukes into the grass. Another guy says, “Hi, homos!” while a woman runs to cover her young son up with a towel, yelling, “That’s my son! You can’t have him!” Voices start echoing in DAVID’s mind.

Guy: Fudgepackers!

Woman: Pillow biters!

Guy #2: God, I thought this was a family place!

DAVID sees 2 women sitting at a table.

Woman: Butt pirates!

Woman #2: Twinkle toes!

Guy #3: Faggoty-ass faggots!

All the voices start blending into one loud mess of noises.

DAVID looks around at people, nervously nodding and smiling, feeling very uncomfortable. KEITH doesn’t notice. They walk over to an umbrella.

Keith: Here’s some shade for you right here, honey.

KEITH pulls a pool chair over to the umbrella. Being made of iron, it makes an incredibly loud nails-on-a-chalkboard-type noise that, of course, draws all attention to the two of them. DAVID walks over to get his own chair, very self-aware. The chair he wants is right next to a sleeping man. He mouths to the wife, SHEILA, lying next to the man, “Can I take this?”

Sheila: Oh, don’t worry about him! He can sleep through a dirty bomb!

She gets up to take her husband’s things off the chair DAVID wants.

David: You don’t have to get up.

Sheila: Please, I need the exercise. All we’ve done since we’ve gotten here is eat, (whispers) and the food’s not even that good.

David: Oh, that’s too bad.

While SHEILA keeps trying to chat and start a conversation, DAVID remains very uncomfortable and standoffish.

Sheila: But I heard the girl who does the aqua hip-hop class is terrific! If you can get yourself into the pool at 7:30 in the morning. (smiles)

David: Thanks for the tip.

Sheila: I’m Sheila, by the way.

David: (looks up, smiles) Hi.

He drags the chair away, again making a loud screeching noise. He pulls it over to KEITH, who takes out a disposable camera.

Keith: Hey, smile!

DAVID freezes and smiles. KEITH takes the picture.

Keith: (playfully) So you ready for your Pina Colada?

David: God, no. Then they’ll really know we’re gay!

Keith: We can’t have that.

David: I just think people here are a little uncomfortable with it.

Keith: Oh, yeah? Like who? Wasn’t that lady over there nice to you?

David: Yes, we have an aerobics date tomorrow morning, and then afterwards we’re all going to the beauty parlor. I’ll just take a beer. (takes off his robe) Not Lite.

A WAITER walks by.

Keith: Hey, would you mind taking a picture of us?

Waiter: No problem.

KEITH hands him the camera, and then goes to DAVID’s chair, sits down beside him, wraps his arm around DAVID and kisses him gently on the cheek.

Waiter: Smile!

They both look up and smile, DAVID a bit uncomfortably.

Scene Eleven: Department Store

RUTH and BETTINA are browsing through skirts.

Bettina: Oh, no, I’m glad you called. I was on the verge of getting an impulse haircut! Those never work out.

Ruth: Who do you use? I have to find someone new.

Bettina: I just go to Supercuts.

Ruth: You can’t do that! Bettina! A woman’s hair is the gateway to her sensuality.

Bettina: (laughs) Not the hair on her head, honey!

RUTH smiles, demurely.

Bettina: (holding up a black jacket) What do you think?

Ruth: I think you should try it on.

Bettina: No, no, it’s for you.

Ruth: Oh…that’s not exactly my style.

Bettina: Sweetie, I say this with a heart full of love, but your style could use a tiny shot of adrenaline.

Ruth: I like a classic look.

Bettina: Try it. Just for fun.

RUTH takes it.

Scene Twelve: Changing Room

BETTINA walks in and sees RUTH in the jacket.

Bettina: Niiiice!

Ruth: I don’t know. Isn’t it a little trendy?

Bettina: Are you kidding me? It’s perfect! (checks the tag) And 30% off! (picks up a jacket/skirt combo) Okay, now try the gold silk number.

RUTH holds it up in front of herself in the mirror, gives a strange face, and BETTINA bursts into laughter.

Scene Thirteen: LAC-ARTS Classroom

The class is full of students. CLAIRE and RUSSELL sit next to each other in the third row, talking. The teacher has not shown up yet.

Claire: I’m so psyched for Valerie Doane. Her sculpture is amazing.

Russell: You didn’t hear? She’s not coming this semester.

Claire: What do you mean? That’s the whole reason I took this course!

Russell: Yeah, I know. You and everybody. But she got some kind of travel grant, so she’s in Israel and now we have some other guy coming.

Claire: That sucks! This place is fucking lame!

Russell: It’s just one class.

Claire: I know, but nothing’s turning out to be as good as it looked in the catalog. (pauses) Who’s this other guy?

Russell: Oliver Something Something.

A kid behind them looks up and talks to them.

Guy: It’s Olivier Castro-Staal. He’s supposed to be awesome.

Russell: Really? ‘Cause I heard he was kind of on his own trip.

Guy: Well, Valerie Doane is incoherent. I took a seminar with her at BAMF. It was garbage.

RUSSELL looks away and whispers to CLAIRE, “BAMF!” mocking the guy. Suddenly, a man rather abruptly walks into the classroom, then walks out.

Russell: Was that him?

Guy: (shrugs) I don’t know.

The man comes back. It’s OLIVIER. He’s in his early 30s and speaks with a foreign accent.

Olivier: Well, this is the wrong room! Are you here for “Form in Space”?

Russell: This is the right room.

Olivier: It’s supposed to be a studio class.

Guy: The catalog said “lecture.”

Olivier: Well, that’s bullshit. I don’t do lectures, so this is going to be a studio class.

Everyone, including CLAIRE, is taken aback and slightly amused by the rudeness of this guy.

Olivier: If anyone needs a lecture for whatever reason people have for these things, then go now. I won’t be offended.

One girl raises her hand.

Olivier: Oh, you can just talk.

Girl: Um…I need a lecture to balance out my course load.

Olivier: Okay. We’re going to make art in this class. And in the end, I’ll put “lecture” on the forms for people who need lecture and “studio” on the forms for people who need studio. And that’s it. If this upsets your sense of order, then you can go now. I won’t be offended. But go now, so we don’t have to deal with ambivalence in this room. Ambivalence is poison for art. If I ever see anyone tormented over some decision, this way or that way, I will be offended and I will throw you out, for the sake of the class.

The girl looks around the room, picks up her stuff, smiles awkwardly, and leaves the room.

Olivier: Good. That was a bad vibe.

The whole class laughs.

Olivier: Okay, there are no easels in this stupid room, so everyone get on the floor!

They all hesitate.

Olivier: (louder, claps his hands) Get on the floor!

They all do.

Olivier: Do you have your drawing pads?

Guy: (the one who was sitting behind CLAIRE and RUSSELL, annoyed) We thought this was a lecture class.

OLIVIER hands a large sketchpad to RUSSELL.

Olivier: Take one and pass it. If you have a pencil, you’re lucky. If you only have a pen, you’re luckier.

RUSSELL tears a sheet off and hands the pad to CLAIRE.

Olivier: All right, you have five minutes to draw a picture of the day in your life that was the most horrible. (checks the clock) Go!

Guy: Wait, what do you mean, “ a picture of the day”?

Olivier: Go, I said!

Everyone starts drawing.

Scene Fourteen: Prep Room

RICO is working on CALLIE. Her face is swollen and covered in purple bruises, and he is examining photos of her when she was alive, trying to see how he has to make her look. NATE enters.

Nate: She juiced yet?

Rico: Yeah, just about. Hey, you file that certificate?

Nate: Claire’s gonna do it tomorrow.

Rico: (reading paperwork, referring to CALLIE’s friends) Stupid kids.

Nate: Doesn’t it seem like she really sort of panicked, though? Maybe something happened to her before…

Rico: I don’t know. You know, Vanessa gets scared all the time. Even when she’s out with the kids, she gets it. Ask Lisa.

Nate: I’m not sure Lisa gets it that much. I mean, she doesn’t wear high heels or tight skirts or anything.

Rico: Vanessa says she gets it even when she’s wearing her big fat sweatpants. But, you know, she’s pretty hot.

Nate: Lisa’s hot.

Rico: (stammers a bit) Yeah, L-Lisa’s hot. I just don’t want to talk about your wife like that. (smiles)

Nate: When does it stop sounding weird that someone’s your wife?

Rico: Vanessa felt like my wife already when we were 16 years old.

Nate: (awkwardly) Hmm.

Rico: Hey, listen, Nate, the first year of marriage, for most people, is the hardest, especially with a baby on top, too. Whoo! That can be tough for anyone.

Nate: No, no, no. It’s great.

RICO smiles, like he doesn’t believe him.

Nate: It is! I’m totally into it!

Rico: Alright, I’m just saying…y’know, even if sometimes you’re not, that’s normal.

Nate: I’m into it.

RICO shrugs and smiles.

Scene Fifteen: Carol's Bedroom

CAROL sits on a chair, reading scripts. On a nearby table, we see a picture of CAROL with Bill and Hillary Clinton at some sort of fundraiser. There is a knock on her door.

Carol: Come in.

LISA enters, wheeling the baby in on a stroller, and hands CAROL the cup with her poopy shake.

Lisa: You feeling better?

Carol: You’re a little late with this.

Lisa: I had to go and get more Psyllium.

The baby coos, and CAROL jumps, like she’s just seen a ghost.

Carol: Oh, God! The baby’s here.

Lisa: I’m sorry. We haven’t quite figured out the childcare thing. I tried to call Nate’s mom, but I guess she was hurt when I got so angry about the peanut butter, but it really could have made Maya sick—

Carol: Sweetie, I’m sorry. You know I love your little girl, and Nate’s fine. But I just, I can’t get into all this.

Lisa: Okay. Let’s talk about dinner. Marlo’s assistant said she is only eating raw foods at the moment.

Carol: I really feel that you are not being sensitive to me at all.

Lisa: I’m sorry. I thought you wanted to talk about dinner.

Carol: God, Lisa! I mean, I’ve obviously had a very difficult morning, and you’re all about your own agenda.

Lisa: I didn’t mean…

Carol: You’re rushing me through the menu so you can go deal with your baby.

Lisa: She’s fine. I don’t have to deal with her at all right now.

Carol: Well, I really felt it earlier when I was in a lot of pain, but the baby was crying, and that was clearly your priority.

Lisa: No one was watching her.

Carol: (yells) That is not my problem! When I hired you for this job, you were totally unencumbered. And now, now there’s Nate and his dirty car and the—(points at the baby) her! And her needs, and—

Lisa: (stands up to her) Nate and the baby have not affected my cooking at all.

Carol: They have affected your ability to support me emotionally! And you live in my house!!

Lisa: What do you suggest I do? Put Maya up for adoption?!?

Carol: Oh, I’ve discussed this with my therapist, and she’s very concerned by the way that I allow you to treat me, because—(starts sniveling)

Lisa: Oh my God!

Carol: …I require, and I fucking deserve, a lot more attention, and you know what? I will not feel ashamed about that!

Lisa: (screams, has had it) If I had known you were hiring me to be your fucking wet nurse, I would’ve asked for health insurance!

She storms out of the room, wheeling MAYA out.

Carol: Where are you going? Lisa?!? Lisa?!? Lisa, goddammit!!!

Scene Sixteen: Classroom

The GUY from the earlier scene holds up the sketch he has drawn.

Guy: The moment was of when my friend ODed.

Olivier: Hmm. Write down on a piece of paper your favorite artist. In fact, everyone do this.

Everyone does.

Olivier: (to the guy) Is it Kandinsky?

The GUY looks up.

Olivier: Let’s see.

The GUY holds up his sheet of paper. It says “Kandinsky” on it.

Olivier: Because you’re using Kandinsky’s language here. It’s the same with most of these drawings. We despise ourselves so much that we consider our own point of view as trivial, but that’s bullshit! That’s your father talking, or whatever bad teachers you had before me. (to CLAIRE) You, with the red hair, who did you write? Hopper?

Claire: No. I wrote Modigliani.

Olivier: Were you lying?

Claire: No, but I also wrote Nan Goldin, because I’m really more into photography—

Olivier: When did you see the Hopper show at MOCA? (picks up her sketch)

Claire: Last week.

Olivier: Okay, that’s exactly what I’m saying. She sees 50 paintings by Hopper, she starts to draw like him, because it’s easier than drawing from the eye inside.

Russell: Yeah, but artists get influenced by art. That’s part of the process.

Olivier: Until you locate the inside eye, it’s all bullshit. It’s like a coloring book. Every work you make has to be a surprise to the Earth, a seeing that never happened before. Because it’s what happens when exactly what is inside of you confronts exactly what is outside of you. (pauses) Okay, next.

Scene Seventeen: Changing Room

RUTH is examining the “gold silk number” on herself.

Bettina: Definitely! And the black suit, and the cocktail dress.

Ruth: Oh, I’m not buying anything.

Bettina: Why not?

Ruth: Nothing was perfect.

Bettina: Nothing in life is perfect.

Ruth: Well, that makes it easy to stay within a budget.

Bettina: If you don’t buy this black suit, I’m gonna buy it for you!

Ruth: That is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard! But I’d just return it and give you the money.

Bettina: Uch! Fine! I’m gonna go back for the sandals.

She smiles and leaves the room. RUTH laughs.

Scene Eighteen: Department Store

RUTH takes the gold silk outfit to BETTINA.

Ruth: Where did you find this?

Bettina: Oh, just leave that there. They’ll take care of it for you.

She puts it down on a display.

Ruth: I know, but it seems so rude.

BETTINA walks on and picks up a scarf.

Ruth: Wonderful color for you!

Bettina: Mmm?

Ruth: How much?

Bettina: (checks the price tag) Too much.

She looks away and nonchalantly rips off the tag.

Ruth: (shocked, whispers) What are you doing?

Bettina: It’s one of my little pleasures.

BETTINA drops the tag on the floor and stuffs the scarf in one of her pockets.

Ruth: Bettina!

Bettina: It’s only fair. If they’re gonna charge $350 for a piece of fabric that costs $20 to make, they
should lose a few! Do you want one?

Ruth: I certainly do not!

RUTH paces around, nervously.

Bettina: It would be a great help to me if you tried to look a little less suspicious.

She hands her a pair of sunglasses, which RUTH tries on.

Bettina: Fortunately, women our age are invisible, so we can really get away with murder.

BETTINA drops a pair of sunglasses in her purse and walks on. RUTH puts down her sunglasses and follows her, nervously.

Scene Nineteen: Hotel Room

DAVID, shirtless, stands ironing a shirt. He groans. KEITH enters from the bathroom, also shirtless. DAVID sighs loudly.

Keith: What?

David: I don’t want to go to this stupid fiesta barbecue.

Keith: Oh, come on, it’ll be fun.

David: What’s fun about standing around a pool with a bunch of straight people shaking maracas?

Keith: There’s gonna be a mariachi band.

David: Why can’t there be just one other gay couple?

He stops ironing, picks up the shirt, and puts it on.

David: Some lesbians from the Bay Area?

Keith: Hey, that kid in the pool was gay.

David: The 11-year-old?

Keith: Oh, David, relax! You’re letting this matter too much.

David: Well, I’m sorry, but sometimes I just get exhausted by the running commentary in my head all day long about how to be. “Is this shirt too tight?” “Is that gesture too flamboyant?” “Who am I offending just by being here?” Maybe you’re beyond all that, but I would’ve thought you’d at least understand.

KEITH puts on his shirt.

David: It would just be nice on vacation to not have to deal with that.

Keith: So don’t. Offend people! Who cares? We paid for our room, right?

David: I can’t just turn it on and off.

Keith: Well, maybe you should try. No one gets a break from their reality, ya know?

David: Mexican food gives me the runs.

Keith: And what about what Frank said?

David: (sarcastic) It makes me feel like I have the runs.

Keith: No, about us being less isolated.

DAVID goes up to him, and puts his arms on KEITH’s sides.

David: I’m not doing a limbo contest.

Keith: That’s Hawaiian.

David: Well, good.

Keith: But if there is one, you’d be a fool not to enter it. You know you’d win that thing.

DAVID smiles and they kiss.

Scene Twenty: Department Store

RUTH tries on lipstick. BETTINA comes up behind her.

Bettina: It makes you look 20. Get it.

Ruth: Do I want to look 20?

Bettina: (laughs) Okay, it makes you look 30!

Ruth: For $15, I could buy a bag of groceries.

Bettina: Oh, yeah? But a bag of groceries doesn’t make you want to look at yourself!

Ruth: (to saleswoman) Excuse me? Excuse me? I’d like to get this.

The SALESWOMAN comes over to her from behind the counter.

Saleswoman: (checks the demo lipstick RUTH is holding) “Flirtation.” Let me see if we have any left. It’s very popular.

The SALESWOMAN looks through the bin behind her.

Saleswoman: Hmm. We may be out.

BETTINA taps RUTH on the back and shows her a “Flirtation” she had hidden in her pocket.

Ruth: Oh, she found it!

BETTINA crosses her eyes, but when the SALESWOMAN turns around…

Bettina: (smiling) No, no, sorry, wrong one. Keep looking.

As the SALESWOMAN continues to look, BETTINA tries to pass the lipstick to RUTH, who at first won’t take it, but finally does. She sticks it in her pocket quickly and then rests her head in her hand, nonchalantly when the SALESWOMAN pops up.

Saleswoman: We’re all sold out.

Ruth: (smiles) Oh, all right then. Thank you so much.

Saleswoman: Mm hmm. Bye.

RUTH and BETTINA walk off.

Scene Twenty-One: Pool, nighttime

DAVID and KEITH walk around the pool, where Mexican music is playing and all of the hotel guests are out relaxing, enjoying themselves, drinking margaritas, etc. They go over to the buffet table, but decide against eating the not-so-tasty-looking food. They walk past a mariachi band and see a group of couples dancing. SHEILA calls to him.

Sheila: David! Salsa! Come on!

DAVID waves and turns away from her.

Keith: Well, what do we want to do for dinner? Go to that cheesy town? It’s just a bunch of outlet malls and chain restaurants.

David: The room service menu looked like heaven.

Keith: (smiles) Good, let’s go.

David: And if we don’t have to drive, we can get really drunk!

DAVID leads the way. KEITH follows, smiling.

Scene Twenty-Two: Lisa's Apartment

NATE arrives home after work, surprised to find LISA feverishly packing her things into boxes.

Nate: What’s going on?

Lisa: I quit. We have to move.

Nate: Whoa, whoa, whoa…what?

Lisa: I would rather live on the street and beg for rice with a bowl than spend one more night under this roof!

Nate: All right, what, what happened?

Lisa: She just unleashed so much insanity at us. It’s not good for Maya to be around that kind of hostile dementia. If that’s what I’d wanted for her, I’d be living with my mother!

Nate: I’m not sure Maya’s really that in touch with—

Lisa: She’s very absorbent!

Nate: (annoyed) Okay. I kind of wish we could have talked this through before you quit. Did you actually quit?

Lisa: (yells) Yes, I actually quit! We have to leave tomorrow morning!

NATE turns away, incredibly pissed, but when he sees the baby, he calms down and smiles. He takes a deep breath and…

Nate: So, what were you thinking, that we’d go stay at my mom’s, I guess?

Lisa: Well, yeah, for now. (NATE crosses his eyes.) It’s not the worst thing that could ever happen, is it?

Nate: No. It’s not the best thing that ever happened either.

Lisa: I’m sorry. I snapped. (starts crying) My humanity just rose up.

Nate: Come here.

He holds her and kisses her.

Nate: It’s okay. It’s alright.

Scene Twenty-Three: Hotel Room

We see the room service table, with 2 partly-empty plates. Dinner is over, and DAVID and KEITH are fucking on the bed, which is bouncing and creaking like crazy. DAVID screams at the top of his lungs, in ecstacy.

David: OH MY GOD!!!

KEITH, laughing hysterically, puts his hand over DAVID’s mouth.

Keith: Shh! These walls are like paper.

They both sigh and lie back.

David: (drunkenly) So fucking what?!? We’re on vacation, dammit! (yells at the top of his lungs so the people in the next room can hear it) YEAH, WE’RE GAY IN HERE!!!

He hits his fist against the headboard and laughs. KEITH laughs and pounds his fists against the headboard.

Keith: (yells) COME ON, COWBOY!! BRING IT ON HOME!!! WA-HOO!!

David: WE’RE HAVING SOME HOT MAN-ON-MAN LOVE ACTION!! (sings, operatically) HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!!!

Keith: Hold it, hold it, hold it. You sing, I sing. (sings) BABY, EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT/UPTIGHT, OUT OF SIGHT

Both: BABY, EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT/UPTIGHT, OUT OF SIGHT

David: I’M A POOR MAN’S SON FROM ACROSS THE RAILROAD TRACKS/THE ONLY SHIRT I HAVE IS HANGING ON MY BACK

Both: BUT I’M THE ENVY OF EV’RY SINGLE GUY/’CAUSE I’M THE APPLE OF MY MAN’S EYE/HE SAYS BABY, EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT…

They laugh, hoot, and clap their hands, as the screen fades to white.

Act Two

Scene One: David's Old Apartment

NATE and LISA are moving into DAVID’s old apartment. NATE enters with a chair, with a pillow on top. RUTH is already in the apartment, with MAYA, whose playpen is already set up.

Ruth: Oh, you’re losing your pillow.

The pillow falls, and RUTH goes over to pick it up, as NATE places the chair down. LISA enters carrying a bunch of blankets and a tall lamp, which she hits against the top of the doorway as she enters.

Lisa: Oh, dammit!

Nate: (annoyed) Would you be careful?

Lisa: Sorry.

Nate: Lisa, you’re carrying too much.

Lisa: It’s fine. I just didn’t realize how tall it was.

RUTH stands there, awkwardly, a little intimidated to talk to LISA.

Ruth: I don’t know how much of David’s furniture you need, but he has some lovely pieces stored in the garage.

Lisa: We don’t really have anything, just that rocking chair…It’s a much better space than Carol’s. It’s bigger.

Nate: Yeah. (grousing) There’s no kitchen.

Ruth: I told Lisa, you’re welcome to cook in the house whenever you’d like.

Nate: Thanks.

Lisa: It won’t be for too long, Ruth.

Ruth: I’m happy to have you.

MAYA begins to cry. RUTH starts to go over to pick her up, but hesitates.

Lisa: Ruth, you can pick her up.

RUTH looks at her but backs away from MAYA. NATE goes to get the baby.

Nate: That’s nice lipstick, Mom.

Ruth: (smiles) Why, thank you, dear. It’s new.

She picks up a laundry basket and leaves the room. As she passes, LISA looks up and smiles at her, but it doesn’t do much good.

Nate: (to MAYA) Hey!

Scene Two: Classroom

OLIVIER walks through the classroom, where all the students are at easels, doing charcoal drawings.

Olivier: When you’re done, put down your charcoal.

He stops for a moment and watches CLAIRE feverishly drawing.

Olivier: Okay. This is it.

He takes her work from her, even though she isn’t finished. He holds up her drawing of a graveyard at night up for the whole class to see.

Olivier: (to whole class) Can you see why this is good?

Russell: Because it’s in her own language.

Olivier: Yes, but the way I tell if something is good is…does it make me want to throw up?

CLAIRE looks a little hurt, then perplexed as he continues talking.

Olivier: This drawing instantly makes me feel nauseous. You can tell if something is truthful, even if you don’t understand it, if it affects your body. Your liver and your bowels are more important as an artist than your eyes, because they are so far away from your brain.

Claire: I don’t know. I think it seems kind of obvious.

Olivier: Because you’re embarrassed by yourself. In the beginning, if you hate something, it’s good, because you don’t recognize the beauty of your own truth. You’re used to being a normal, pathetic human who does only what other people want. But what the other people really want is to fuck you and to make money off of you and to hang you in the living room with the fancy security system. Like this! (he indicates another girl’s drawing of a woman, and picks it up) Who did you make this to please?!? Me?!? Your mother, your boyfriend?!? Does anyone feel sick from this? No! So who the fuck cares?

The class nervously laughs.

Scene Three: Callie's Viewing

CALLIE is laid out in the coffin, looking perfect. Her friend, ZACH, goes up to the podium to deliver a eulogy.

Zach: I’m a friend of Callie’s. And I was there, the night…she died. I wanted to speak, because I really loved her, and I wanted to talk about who she was to me…and to us. Which is this brave, brazen, totally heroic person. This rock climbing, body surfing, back talking, truth-or-dare champion. I never even once saw her scared…(pause) before. I guess what I really want to say to her is…(starts crying) we were just pretending to be this thing that we’re not, I don’t think, and then she was this thing that she’s not…

PAULA can’t listen to any more. She leaves the room, crying.

Zach: I’m sorry. But when she saw that it was us, she had this look like, “How could this be you?”

NATE follows PAULA into the intake room.

Scene Four: Intake Room

PAULA sits on the couch, crying.

Nate: Mrs. Mortimer?

PAULA cries harder. NATE sits down beside her and holds her in his arms, as she continues to sob. RICO watches from the other room.

Scene Five: Slumber Room

The funeral is over, and NATE and RICO are putting the folding chairs away.

Rico: I’m sorry, but…I just didn’t know what to say.

Nate: What?

Rico: The mother, Mrs. Mortimer, y’know? I just—I don’t—I didn’t know what to say to her.

Nate: You didn’t really have to say anything. I didn’t.

Rico: Yeah, but, like…hug her? Don’t hug her, y’know? I freeze up.

Nate: You can’t think about it. You just have to really be there with them. Just…be present.

Rico: I don’t think I can.

Nate: Sure you can.

Rico: No. Downstairs, y’know, it’s just a body. But up here, like this young girl, y’know, she’s someone’s sister and someone’s daughter, and I can’t help but to think, “Well, what if it was Julio? Or Vanessa, even?” Y’know, and I just can’t…You don’t ever think, “What if it was Maya? What if it was Lisa?”

Nate: I don’t, actually. Not them. I can’t bring them in here with me, ya know? I just want them to be what’s good about life. That way I can come here and deal with what isn’t.

RICO nods, taking that in.

Rico: Well, you’re lucky, then.

Scene Six: Phil's Apartment

CLAIRE kisses PHIL.

Claire: So how’d it go last night?

Phil: Awesome. I mean, we screwed up a lot, but no one noticed. It was fucking loud. Everyone was walking around with, like, cocktail napkins in their ears.

Claire: So, listen, I kind of want to talk about this whole “seeing other people” thing.

Phil: Okay.

They both sit down on the bed.

Claire: (laughs nervously) I’m not that into it.

Phil: Okay…

Claire: I mean…it makes me feel weird, you know, it’s like…if people are into each other, then that should be pretty much enough, y’know?

Phil: At some point, yeah.

Claire: What do you mean?

Phil: Like when it gets really serious or whatever.

Claire: Well, when does that usually happen for you?

Phil: It depends.

Claire: Okay. Well, how about, like, after a couple of months?

Phil: You mean like us, now?

Claire: Yeah.

Phil: I don’t know.

Claire: Okay.

Phil: I mean, do you?

Claire: Well, yeah, that’s what I’m saying. It’s just not really my thing to like sleep around. Phil: I’m not sleeping around. (gets up)

Claire: I just mean, I’m kind of a like one-at-a-time sexual person, I think. So…what do you think?

Phil: I don’t think I’m there. Just not at this exact point in time.

Claire: Well, why not? Is it ‘cause you like someone else better?

Phil: No! So totally not! It’s just…it kind of has to be more organic for me, like not some kind of contract or whatever. It has to evolve.

She sighs.

Phil: But I’m not saying it won’t. It so totally could.

Claire: Well, not for me. Not when it’s like “You can’t come hear me play because there’s some other girl that’s gonna be there.”

Phil: Yeah. Okay.

She looks at him, disappointed, picks up her stuff, and heads out.

Claire: Okay.

Phil: So…that’s like it for you?

Claire: I guess.

Phil: Whoa. Well, can I have a hug or something?

She reaches over to give him a hug, he has his arm around her, but she pushes it away. This is very difficult for her.

Claire: No. I’m just gonna go.

She leaves.

Scene Seven: Claire's Car

CLAIRE walks over to her car, gets in, throws her stuff down and puts her head in her hands and sighs. She starts the car and goes.

Scene Eight: Fisher TV Room

NATE lies down on the couch, watching “Friends.” It looks like it’s his first moment of peace all day. And then LISA enters.

Lisa: Hey, what are you doing?

Nate: Nothing. Just watching this.

Lisa: Okay, but you can watch with us.

Nate: Isn’t Maya sleeping?

Lisa: Yeah, but she doesn’t mind the TV, if it’s low, and I have a million things I need to ask you.

Nate: Like what?

Lisa: (sits in front of the TV) Like, when do you want to do the child-proofing? And how should we deal with Maya while I look for a job? Because I don’t even know how to start thinking about—

NATE sits up.

Nate: Then don’t. Not yet, just take a break. We’re not paying rent.

Lisa: Yeah, but we can’t stay here forever.

Nate: Not forever, but we can relax for a few days, can’t we?

Lisa: (not happy) Okay.

She sits back, and he does too. Problem solved, until…

Lisa: Oh, also I need to talk to you about vaccinating. I’ve downloaded a ton of information from the Internet, and I’m still really against it, but you haven’t really weighed in. God knows your mother wants it.

Nate: Okay, print it out. I’ll take a look at it later tonight.

Lisa: Okay.

She smiles and gets up.

Lisa: Are you coming?

Nate: (doesn’t really want to) Uh, okay, yeah.

He gets up and shuts off the TV.

Scene Nine: David's Car

KEITH is driving them home. They’re on the freeway.

Keith: I do, I want to hear it!

David: (hesitates) Okay.

He pops a tape of himself singing in the chorus into the tape deck. We hear DAVID singing Elton John’s “Rocket Man.”

David’s Voice: “I miss the Earth so much,/I miss my life.”

Chorus: “Miss my life.”

David’s Voice: “It’s lonely out in space.”

David: That’s me!

Keith: You sound good.

They talk as the tape continues behind them.

David: Yes, I happen to have a very nice voice.

Keith: Well, did I ever say you didn’t?

David: Well, practically.

Keith: I just don’t like it when you sing at me.

KEITH starts to sing along with the chorus.

Keith: “And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time/Till touchdown brings me round again to find.

DAVID joins in.

Both: “I’m not the man they think I am at home/Oh, I’m a rocket man/Rocket man, burning out a fuse up here alone.”

Suddenly, KEITH notices a lot of traffic coming up.

Keith: Oh, shit! We’re supposed to be going against traffic.

David: There might be an accident.

The tape keeps playing, but KEITH is getting very agitated.

David: It looks like it might be picking up.

Keith: Not much. Who knows when we’re gonna get home now?

DAVID turns off the tape.

David: I knew we shouldn’t have stopped for food.

Keith: It’s lucky we did. We’re going to get home too late to make anything now.

David: It’s not my fault!

Keith: You had to spend an hour at the Mikasa outlet store. And I gotta do laundry tonight. My uniform stinks.

David: (turns the tape back on) I really have to learn this.

Keith: (takes a French fry from the fast food bag) These are cold.

And thus a perfect weekend ends. DAVID rests his head back, dejected, as the music keeps playing.

Chorus: “And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time/Till touchdown brings me round again to find/I’m not the man they think I am at home/Oh, no, I’m a rocket man…”

The screen fades to white.
 

END OF EPISODE