Épisode Sur un air d'opéra S03E04 - Six Feet Under Saison 3

Prelude Scene: Bob and Kevin's Apartment

A bunch of gay men are hanging out together, sitting on the couch, watching “The Bad Seed” and talking back to the screen, laughing. Among them is KEVIN LAMB, who is holding in his arms his lover, BOB GIFFIN, a very sick, weak man who is on a respirator.

In the movie, a woman, CHRISTINE PENMARK, is confronting her young daughter, RHODA, a girl with pretty blond hair and braids. Behind the girl’s sweet face lies a pure evil psychopath. The girl screams and cries as CHRISTINE pulls a bag away from her.

Christine: Let me see! Let me see what’s in the—

The bag falls to the floor, and opens when it hits the ground. CHRISTINE sees in shock that the bag is full of clothes and shoes.

Guy: Now you know, Mother, I’m a gypsy!

Everyone laughs.

Guy #2: I’m in the road company of “42nd Street”!

Guy #3: And my feet are gigantic!

They all laugh.

Christine: You hit him with the shoes, didn’t you?

Guy: Well, duh, bitch!

Christine: You hit him with the shoes! That’s how he got those half-moon marks on his forehead and his hands!

Kevin: Yeah, but what about those cigarette burns on his ass?!?

They all laugh.

Christine: (screaming, crying) Answer me!

Kevin: Mommy, you need to go on Prozac!

Guy #2: And fast!

Rhoda: (crying) I had to hit him with the shoes…What else could I do?

Guy #3: Flog him with those braids?

They all laugh.

Rhoda: But it was his fault! If he gave me the medal like I told him to, I wouldn’t have hit him!

Kevin: Oh, that still doesn’t explain why you fucked him!

The guys all laugh again.

Christine: Okay, we’re going to start at the beginning, and you’re going to tell me the truth. Now, I know you killed him, so there’s no sense lying. (smashes a glass) Rhoda, I want you to tell me the truth!

Guy #2: The truth? You’re too old to be my mommy!

Guy #4: Socialism is a better system!

On the screen, CHRISTINE starts shaking the little girl violently.

Guy #3: You’re a man!

Guy #2: How can I be a man when my girdle hurts this much?!?

Guy #3: I don’t know! Ask Charles Pierce!

They all laugh, including BOB. He looks up at KEVIN and smiles. He grips KEVIN’s hand, and dies. KEVIN is smiling, watching the movie, when he realizes something is wrong. He looks down at BOB and notices he has died. The others continue to laugh and watch, oblivious.

Rhoda: …And I found him there. And I told him I’d hit him with my shoe if he wouldn’t give me the medal!! Mommy, Mommy, please say you won’t let them hurt me!

Guy #2: Honey, you’ll just kill them all anyway.

Everyone but KEVIN laughs.

Christine: I don’t know what must be done now, but I promise you nobody will hurt you.

Rhoda: I want to play the way we used to, Mommy. Will you play with me?

Guy #2: Not unless you pay me first, you little freak.

Laughs.

Rhoda: If I give you a basket of kisses…

Guy #2: No discounts for family!

Laughs.

KEVIN isn’t ready to let anyone else know yet about BOB. He caresses BOB’s hand, his eyes filling with tears as the movie continues to play, the guys continue to laugh, and the screen fades to white.

"ROBERT LAMAR GIFFIN,

1955-2003"

 

Act One

Scene One: Nate and Lisa's Bedroom, early morning

NATE and LISA are lying in bed, far apart from each other. NATE wakes up, reaches over and strokes LISA’s shoulder, gently.

Nate: Hey, Lis. You awake?

She rolls over, and it turns out RUTH is in bed next to him! She purrs like a cat and smiles, sexily at him.

NATE wakes up, in horror. He sits up and gasps. MAYA and LISA are still sleeping in bed near him. MAYA coos, and NATE smiles at her.

Scene Two: Nate and Lisa's Apartment, later that morning

NATE feeds MAYA baby food.

Lisa: Can you run by Whole Foods and pick up like six Mahi-Mahi filets for tomorrow?

Nate: Six?

Lisa: Yeah, I’m making dinner for your mom’s birthday.

Nate: She told you not to do that.

Lisa: Just because someone tells you not to do something doesn’t mean they don’t want you to do it.

Nate: Lisa, maybe your mother likes people to go out of their way for her birthday, but, trust me, my mother never wants us to do anything for hers, and we never do, and so far, that has worked out great on everyone.

Lisa: You think she’d like Sarah McLachlan? It’s a party. We have to have music.

Nate: Play whatever you want. Just don’t come running to me when it blows up in your face.

Lisa: Nothing’s gonna blow up in my face, Nate. This is important. I want to do something for your mom, now with us living here and all.

Nate: Okay, just…keep your expectations low, is all I’m saying.

Scene Three: Keith and David's Apartment

DAVID and KEITH sit on the couch, watching TV.

Keith: Oh, Lisa called while you were in the shower. She wants us to come over for dinner tomorrow night.

David: I thought it was our turn to invite them.

Keith: No, she’s throwing a birthday party for your mom.

David: (as if his whole universe has just been shattered) Who does she think she is?!? My mother does not like anything for her birthday!

Keith: Oh, come on, your mom deserves a party.

David: (disbelieving) Oh, you wanna go?

Keith: What else are we gonna do, stay home and watch porn? (DAVID crosses his eyes.) Which reminds me…you gotta return “The Gaytrix” to Video West.

He gets up and smiles.

Scene Four: Dentist's Office

BETTINA impatiently sits with RUTH in the waiting room of a dentist’s office, leafing through a magazine.

Bettina: Somebody wanna tell me why I should give a rat’s ass what’s in Salma Hayek’s purse? You are something else, Fisher.

Ruth: I’m sorry?

Bettina: It’s your fuckin’ birthday! And you’re gonna spend it in the dentist’s office?!?

Ruth: Well, I can’t just ignore my oral hygiene! And I’m celebrating my birthday. There’s gonna be a party tomorrow night.

Bettina: Oh, you bet ya there’s gonna be a party. I’ll make sure of that. Even if I have to spike the punch with LSD!

Ruth: Bettina, don’t, please.

Bettina: Oh, speaking of LSD, your sister called me last night from Hazeldon.

Ruth: How is Sarah doing? She won’t return my calls.

Bettina: She’s become best friends with someone who’s very famous, but she won’t tell me who it is. All she’ll say is it’s somebody who’s fucked Michael Douglas!

She laughs out loud. RUTH looks shocked, but reserves her laughter.

Bettina: Okay, this is not what I had in mind when I said I’d spend the day with you.

BETTINA gets up and marches over to the receptionist behind the desk.

Bettina: Excuse me. My friend had an appointment to get her teeth cleaned at 11 o’clock. It’s almost noon.

Receptionist: (smiles) Our technician is running a little late today.

Bettina: How much longer, you think?

Receptionist: I can’t really say.

Bettina: Oh, you can’t, huh?

Receptionist: (a little harsher) No. You’re just gonna have to wait your turn like everyone else. (smiles)

Bettina: (laughs) Huh. What’s your name?

Receptionist: Patty. (over-enunciates her name, like “Pah-tee!”)

Bettina: Hi, (mocking her pronunciation) Pah-tee. I have another question for you, Pah-tee.

RUTH gets up, embarrassed, and goes over to BETTINA to get her to stop whatever she’s doing.

Patty: Yes?

Bettina: I can understand our having to wait. What I can’t understand is your need to be such a condescending asshole to someone, who is—

Patty: (interrupting) Oh, excuse me! I don’t have to sit here—

Bettina: --after all, a fellow human being.

Patty: --and listen to this!

Bettina: (yelling) I mean, do you really think you’re so special?!?

Ruth: Bettina—

Bettina: Or are you just pissed off because your life sucks?!?

Ruth: (to PATTY, leading BETTINA out) I’m sorry…

Bettina: Well, I hate to break it to ya, honey, but it’s not our fault!

Ruth: (politely, on her way out) I’ll call to reschedule.

She follows BETTINA out the door.

Scene Five: Intake Room

NATE and DAVID have an intake meeting with KEVIN.

Kevin: Dennis recommended you.

David: From chorus?

Kevin: Yes. I’m a member, too. I haven’t been very active the past year since Bob got sick. It wasn’t AIDS, even though we both fucked like bunnies during the 70s. We buried half our friends. We thought we’d been spared and we’d grow old together. Such hubris.

Nate: I’m so sorry.

Kevin: It was cardiomyopathy. Enlarged heart. (laughs) His heart was too big. We used to joke about it. It was caused by a severely leaking heart valve. We used to joke about that too. Bleeding heart.

DAVID smiles gently.

Nate: Have any other members of his family been contacted?

Kevin: I called his sister in Phoenix, but she’s not coming. His family was never very accepting of…things. Bob and I were together for 22 years, so…I’m his family.

DAVID looks over at NATE nervously.

Kevin: We have durable power of attorney. I’ll have our lawyer fax it to you.

DAVID looks relieved.

Nate: I’m sorry we have to ask you for that.

Kevin: Eh. (pause) I’m a scenic designer for the Los Angeles Lyric Opera. Bob was the Lighting
Designer. I was told that you would be more open to accommodating certain requests.

Scene Six: Prep Room

NATE and DAVID talk to RICO, who is prepping a body.

Rico: You’ve gotta be kidding me. A fucking opera?!?

David: He just wants to design a set and rig some special lighting.

Rico: Well, how long is this gonna take?

Nate: They’re gonna need the slumber room for 2 days.

Rico: Oh, no way! No! We could have 3 funerals.

Nate: Apparently, he’s willing to pay for it.

Rico: For a fucking opera?!?

David: (annoyed) Yes, Federico.

Rico: Huh. (pause) You know, Vanessa’s cousin won opera tickets once from KUSC, and she gave them to us. It was just—it was so completely whacked. It was like this magic mirror, ya know, and this dead swan, and this, like bleeding spear.

NATE laughs.

David: “Parsifal.”

NATE looks over, not surprised that DAVID knew the answer.

Rico: Yeah! And they had these flower chicks who were supposed to be hot, ya know? And they were all just like major wide-loads!

NATE laughs louder.

Rico: And these lame-ass knights who were like, they were like (does a “fa-la-la” type voice) prancing around and singing at the top of their lungs. Ya know? It was just so, so, so fuckin’—

David: (pissed off) Gay?!?

Rico: I was gonna say stupid.

David: Bullshit! You don’t want to do this funeral. You think it’s too gay.

Rico: That’s not what I was gonna say!

David: Well, we’re doing it, and that’s final. These guys were together for 22 years, and we’re going to show them the respect that they deserve.

DAVID walks out, in a huff. RICO sighs.

Nate: (smiles) Hey.

RICO smiles back. NATE follows DAVID out.

Scene Seven: Spa

BETTINA and RUTH are both getting massages.

Bettina: You’ve gotta be kidding me. You’ve never had a massage before?

Ruth: No.

Bettina: Where have you been living, under a rock?!? (to RUTH’s masseuse, who is digging her elbows pretty hard into RUTH’s back, as RUTH makes uncomfortable noises) Lighten up, sister, this is her first time on the table.

Ruth: Oh, no, what you’re doing is just fine, dear.

BETTINA laughs.

Ruth: Nikolai was always trying to get me to come here.

Bettina: So why didn’t you?

Ruth: I don’t know. I was afraid.

Bettina: I think if you’re afraid of something it probably means you should do it.

Ruth: I don’t usually like being touched by strangers, but…this is…invigorating.

Bettina: It’s mandatory! I started getting a massage every week after I caught my second husband cheating on me.

Ruth: (surprised) Oh!

Bettina: (to her masseuse) Hey, I’m not a porcelain butterfly. You want a tip or not?

The masseuse crosses her eyes and digs her elbows deeper into BETTINA’s back.

Ruth: I cheated on my husband.

Bettina: (absolutely shocked) No way!

Ruth: It’s true! With my hairdresser. He’s the one who first took me hiking.

Bettina: Way to go, Fisher! I cheated on Number Two, but only after I knew he was cheating on me

Ruth: Well, that’s fair.

Bettina: I even slept with his gastroenterologist! For some reason, I thought that would really hurt him. But he just laughed at me. I will always hate him for that. Asshole.

Ruth: I still feel guilty for cheating on Nathaniel.

Bettina: Hey, ya gotta let go of that. It’s done. Move on.

RUTH gasps and moans in pleasure as the massage continues.

The screen fades to white.

Act Two

Scene One: Slumber Room, next day

The slumber room is abuzz with activity. KEVIN and his crew of workers are assembling a lavish opera set. Right now, there’s a lot of plastic and scaffolding all around. Two men carry a large flat of a tree. It looks like Asian art. KEVIN looks at it. NATE observes all the work with DAVID, in the other room.

Kevin: Be careful with that. Put it in there, and just make sure it doesn’t lean against the wall, okay? Thanks.

Nate: I thought Puccini was Italian.

David: He is, but “Turandot” takes place in China.

Nate: Huh. Well…it’s big.

David: Well, Kevin obviously needs something to pour himself into to take his mind off such an incomprehensible loss.

Kevin: (walks up to them) It was Puccini’s last opera, you know. He died before he got a chance to finish it. Bob was much more of a formalist than I am. But I think he would’ve liked it. (He looks over at one of the workers, ERIC, who is leaning over, wearing tight blue jeans.) I know he would’ve liked that. Jesus, you could serve breakfast on that ass!

DAVID looks a little horrified, and NATE laughs to himself.

Kevin: If Bob were here, he’d be all over that boy like white on rice, and I guarantee you, he’d have him in bed before nightfall.

Now DAVID gets very uncomfortable. This is not the image of the committed relationship he had in his head.

Kevin: I swear, he could charm the pants off any man alive, and he usually did. I was never as lucky as he was in that department, but at least he liked to share. (goes over ERIC) Eric, you’ll have to make sure those risers are flush, alright?

He flirtily demonstrates how he wants them, while NATE and DAVID watch.

Nate: Well, that’s one way to grieve.

David: How did they ever last 22 years?

Nate: Well, it’s easy when you get to fuck whoever you want to the whole time.

NATE smiles and leaves.

Kevin: There you go! Hand me that Makita.

DAVID watches KEVIN, perplexed.

Scene Two: Fisher Kitchen

LISA prepares food at the counter, wearing a floral dress,while CLAIRE sits at the kitchen table, watching MAYA.

Lisa: So, were you guys a couple, or just hanging out?

Claire: Oh, well, I thought we were a couple…but he thought we were just hanging out. (laughs)

Lisa: He was squirrelly, wasn’t he?

Claire: Yeah, totally.

Lisa: Nate used to be like that. Sometimes you just have to hang in there and wait.

Claire: Wait for what?

Lisa: For them to grow up.

Claire: If I had known he was gonna be such a jerk, I would never have slept with him in that crematorium.

Ruth: (enters) Okay, put me to work.

Lisa: Ruth, no, it’s your night off!

Ruth: (putting on an apron) Oh, I much prefer to be busy.

Claire: Mom, you really should’ve told me this party was gonna be such a big deal.

Ruth: It’s not a big deal at all.

Claire: Cause I could’ve like tried to change my plans.

Ruth: No, no, I won’t hear of it!

Lisa: You’re not gonna be here?

Claire: No, I’ve gotta go to this guest artist lecture series. It’s Scott Phillip Smith. He’s like this really radical artist with like death threats against him.

Ruth: Oh!

Claire: He’s very political.

Lisa: (scolding) Claire, it’s your mother’s birthday.

Ruth: Don’t be silly! (to CLAIRE) You go ahead! This isn’t going to be my last birthday.

Claire: I’ll totally make it up to you.

Lisa: Ruth, would you prefer curried chickpeas or chickpea croquettes?

Ruth: Oh…chickpeas give me gas.

Lisa: (turning around, under her breath) This is an unusually gassy family.

Ruth: But you know what? I love chickpeas anyway, and this is my birthday. So you decide. You’re the chef. (pause) That’s such a lovely dress.

Lisa: Thank you.

Ruth: Here. (hands LISA an apron) I’d hate it if you got something on it.

Lisa: Oh, too late! Maya spit up on it last time I wore it!

RUTH helps her on with the apron and laughs gently.

Ruth: Isn’t that funny? I think all my dresses had spit-up on them!

She ties the apron, and LISA laughs along with her.

Ruth: There you go.

Lisa: (smiles) Thank you.

Nate: (entering) Has the party started yet?

Both LISA and RUTH turn around.

Lisa: Hi, honey!

Ruth: Hello, dear!

NATE sees both his wife and mom standing there, both right next to each other, both with buns in their hair, both wearing aprons, both smiling. It’s like looking at a pair of twins, and it freaks him out, especially after his dream the day before!

Scene Three: Prep Room

Rico: 1. 2. 3.

DAVID and RICO both lift BOB’s body, still in the bag, off the gurney and put it on the table. They open the bag. RICO instantly notices that BOB has a pierced penis!

Rico: Hello!

David: Oh…Kevin never mentioned this.

Rico: (stares at it) I mean, a tongue stud I can sort of understand, but this?

DAVID peers at it, horrified as well.

Rico: That’s gotta hurt. Not to mention getting it…y’know, installed. So is that supposed to enhance pleasure and for who?

David: Apparently it worked for Queen Victoria.

Rico: Come again?

David: It’s called a Prince Albert. She liked him to wear tight pants, and the ring was attached by a strap to his thigh, thus enabling a…smooth trouser line.

Rico: (smiles) How do you know all this stuff?

David: I read a lot.

Rico: (points at him) Yeah, right! You know what I’ve been noticing a lot lately? A lot of guys coming in with their balls shaved. What’s that all about?

DAVID stares him down, like in a Western, and then decides to go for it.

David: Actually, it makes them more sensitive. You know, for oral stimulation?

RICO nods, uncomfortably. DAVID continues talking, with an evil lilt to his voice.

David: Besides, no one likes getting pubic hair stuck in their teeth.

Now RICO is really uncomfortable. He keeps nodding as if he is comfortable, but that makes it even more obvious. There’s a long silence.

David: Do you want to ask me if I shave my balls?

Rico: Uh, no, not really.

David: No, I’m happy to tell you. I am. And I do…shave. Have to. Lotta hair down there. Keith doesn’t…have to. Anything else you want to know? Now is the time.

Rico: (who’s had WAY too much info!) Nope. I’m good.

They both turn away from each other, RICO completely freaked, DAVID with a satisfied expression on his face.

Scene Four: Lecture Hall, that night

SCOTT PHILLIP SMITH is giving a lecture. Behind him is a screen onto which his slides are being projected.

Scott: In 1982, Ronald Reagan’s deregulation of the nation’s mental hospitals left thousands of former inpatients homeless! I believed these incapacitated victims of greed deserved to voice their dissent, so I spent 2 nights roaming the streets of New York City in the dead of winter (the slide changes to that of an American flag covered with brown stains), asking them to wipe their asses with this flag.

Everyone laughs, including CLAIRE and RUSSELL, who, as usual, sit next to each other.

Scott: When this piece was unveiled, a group of quote patriots unquote, ripped it from the walls of the Whitney Museum, took it to the streets, and burned it! That I was able to motivate these right-wing assholes into actually burning an American flag, now this…this is what I consider to be the highlight of my career!

The audience laughs.

Scene Five: Lecture Hall, later

CLAIRE and RUSSELL run into OLIVIER after the lecture is over.

Olivier: So what’d you think?

Russell: I think he’s amazing.

Olivier: Amazing?

Claire: He’s so like unafraid and so committed to what he believes in.

Olivier: Hmm. You should meet him. Come on.

OLIVIER walks over to SCOTT, who’s talking to 2 female students.

Olivier: Stop hitting on my students, you overrated piece of shit.

Scott: (pushes him) Bite my ass, you Nazi prick!

OLIVIER pushes him back. They laugh and hug.

Olivier: Scott, I’d like you to meet Claire Fisher and Russell Corwin, 2 very promising first years.

Scott: Oh.

He shakes RUSSELL’s hand.

Russell: It’s a real honor to meet you, sir.

Claire: (shakes his hand) Totally.

Scott: Do yourselves a favor and give up now. Unless of course you’re willing to live as outlaws, because this is a culture where art is not only a dirty word, it’s a fucking crime! Now I’m starving, I’m thirsty, and more importantly (turns to OLIVIER) I am your guest.

Olivier: Why don’t you two join us?

Claire: Seriously?

Olivier: Claire, an artist never questions her right to experience everything the world has to offer. Never.

Claire: Okay.

Olivier: (puts his arm around SCOTT’s shoulder) Maybe we can do as much damage tonight as we did in Antwerp.

Scott: I hope you’ve got better health insurance this time.

They both lead the way.

Claire: (whispers to RUSSELL) Okay, I’m officially scared.

Russell: Don’t let them see that.

Scene Six: Fisher Dining Room

LISA puts a pile of plates down on the table. Sarah McLachlan music plays in the background. RUTH enters.

Ruth: No, that’s my—That’s the good good china.

Lisa: Yes.

Ruth: Well, we never use the good good china.

Lisa: Then, what’s it for?

Ruth: But we hardly ever use the good china.

Lisa: (very concerned) Oh. Do you want me to put this back and use the good china?

BETTINA enters.

Bettina: If THAT isn’t the good china, then what is it?!?

Lisa: The good good china.

BETTINA looks at RUTH, with a quizzical look.

Ruth: (pauses) Oh, what the hell? (smiles) Let’s use the good good china for once in my lifetime!

LISA smiles, BETTINA does too.

Bettina: Yippee!

Ruth: Bettina, this is my daughter-in-law, Lisa.

Lisa: Hi!

Bettina: I’ve heard a lot about you! Oh, don’t worry, it’s all good. She likes you a hell of a lot better than the one before you!

LISA looks a bit uncomfortable with BETTINA’s boisterous personality.

Bettina: (hands RUTH a bag) Hey, Fisher, happy birthday!

Ruth: Oh, goodness, Bettina, you didn’t have to do this!

There are beautiful clothes in the bag.

Bettina: Now, don’t even think about returning it, okay? (whispers) Because there’s no receipt, if you catch my drift.

RUTH sighs.

Bettina: (looks at the dining room table) Okay, c’mon now, we have to move this table.

Lisa: Why?

Bettina: Because we’re gonna dance!

Ruth: Oh, heavens no! We don’t dance in this family.

Bettina: Ruth Fisher, we’re gonna celebrate you tonight, whether you like it or not!

LISA looks a little upset that her planned evening is being upset.

Bettina: Now, go put on your new clothes!

Ruth: Alright! Thank you.

RUTH leaves.

Bettina: (to LISA) Help me move it up against the window.

Lisa: Don’t you think we should wait until after dinner?

Bettina: Oh, hell, honey, I’ll be too wasted by then! Oh, and I brought some music. I hope you weren’t planning on listening to this Lilith Fair crap all night long! Ready? 1, 2, 3.

LISA reluctantly helps BETTINA.

Scene Seven: Restaurant

CLAIRE and RUSSELL sit side by side, near a very drunk OLIVIER and SCOTT.

Olivier: No, asshole, being an artist is not about being right all the time!

Scott: Being an artist is resigning oneself to a life of masochism!

Olivier: Okay, okay, just answer me this…why are you an artist?

Scott: (yells) Because I’m angry!

Olivier: Yuch! Disgusting! What do you have to be angry about, you and your fucking grants?!?

Scott: I don’t use that grant money to make art. I give it away.

Olivier: Yeah, but everybody knows that it was YOUR shit on the flag, because you were too fucking scared to actually go there!!!

RUSSELL and CLAIRE laugh.

Scott: You’re just pissed, because you have nothing original to say! You never did!

Olivier: No, you latch onto politics, because you have nothing original to say!

Scott: There is nothing original to say! It’s all been said before!

Olivier: Go to Hollywood, then! That is so pathetic! That is so fucking American!!!

Scott: Is there anything more infuriating than the moral vanity of Eurotrash?!?

Olivier: Toi, tu manges le merde du cul d’une pouffiasse, espece de con.

Scott: (mocks his French) Bwah bwah bwah fuck you bwah bwah.

Olivier (now in German) Lun die scheise einer hure ist besser kunst als du jamels machen kanst!

Scott: Welcome to Epcot, kids! I would rip your dick off and force-feed it to you if I didn’t think you would like it so much!

Olivier: Fantastic rage! (They hug.) I so fucking love you, you stupid bald peasant!

CLAIRE and RUSSELL laugh.

Scott: So prove it! Buy us another round!

OLIVIER snaps for a waitress.

Olivier: (to CLAIRE) And why are you an artist?

Claire: Um, because…because I have, um…a lot of pain.

Olivier: Good. Good. Pain is good for an artist.

Scott: Bullshit, bullshit! Adolescent romanticism, all artists must suffer! (stops talking for a moment and looks at CLAIRE) God, you are fucking beautiful! Your skin is like Carrara marble.

CLAIRE wrinkles her face.

Scott: (points to RUSSELL) Is this young man your lover?

Claire: No.

Scott: Why the hell not?

Olivier: Maybe Russell doesn’t think she’s beautiful.

He stares at him, and RUSSELL stares back.

Russell: I think she’s very beautiful.

Olivier: (to RUSSELL) And why are you an artist?

Russell: (laughs) Because I don’t have a fucking choice. If I can’t create art, I don’t want to live.

Olivier: Atta boy!

Scott: Why do you validate these infantile notions?!? I’ll tell you why, because you want them to love you.

Olivier: Because I want them to trust their own vision, something which you have none of, arriviste!

Scott: And you want them to love you.

Waitress: (comes up to them) Can I get you anything else?

Olivier: My friend will have a shot of Ouzo with a big dollop of shit in it!

The WAITRESS goes off, with a disgusted look on her face. Everyone at the table laughs.

Scene Eight: Fisher Kitchen

Dance music blasts in the background. RUTH, BETTINA and KEITH are hanging around, drinking and laughing. We have never seen RUTH this happy and loose and…drunk before! DAVID stands by the counter with his drink, a little weirded out by the whole thing. LISA stands away from them, washing the dishes, looking very uptight. KEITH is showing BETTINA photos from DAVID and his vacation.

Keith: And our room opened directly out onto the pool.

Bettina: (laughs) And the dregs of humanity, from the looks of it!

KEITH laughs, and so does RUTH, who is very tipsy from the wine.

Keith: And that’s the Sunday Smorgasbord Brunch. They come for the Breakfast Burrito and the free shuttle to the outlet mall.

Ruth: I never really understood the concept of a breakfast burrito.

She, BETTINA, and KEITH all laugh.

Bettina: Okay, so where are all the X-rated ones? You leave those at home?

Keith: Oh, you’ve gotta go on the Internet and pay $9.99 a month for those.

The three of them laugh uproariously. RUTH goes “Woooo!” DAVID crosses his eyes.

Ruth: (looking at a picture) Oh, poor David always looked so funny in a bathing suit!

David: I do not look funny in a bathing suit!

Keith: Actually, you do.

RUTH lifts up the picture of DAVID, makes a funny face, and the three of them laugh again. NATE enters and goes over to LISA.

Lisa: She asleep?

Nate: Yeah. (kisses her)

Bettina: (to KEITH) You, on the other hand, do not look funny.

Ruth: (laughs) Bettina!

Bettina: What? I’m just flirting!

Keith: You’re barking up the wrong tree, lady!

LISA, looking very uncomfortable, turns around and tentatively talks.

Lisa: Who wants coffee?

Bettina: For God’s sake, Lisa, would you stop waiting on us?!? C’mon, sit down! You deserve a break after that scrumptious meal!

NATE smiles. LISA does, too, and finally sits down and relaxes a little. RUTH claps for her.

Keith: (showing BETTINA another picture) This is David in front of the Geoffrey Beene outlet mall.

Bettina: Oh my God! See, now I get the attraction!

Keith: Yeah, he’s a hottie!

DAVID downs his glass of wine.

Lisa: (jumps up) Oh, I almost forgot!

She gets out a wrapped box from a drawer, and gives it to RUTH. She sits down.

Lisa: Happy birthday!

Ruth: Oh, dear, you really shouldn’t have!

Bettina: Ruth, shut up!

RUTH gives a funny, shocked face to BETTINA.

Lisa: It’s just a little something I thought of at the last minute.

RUTH opens the box. There’s an envelope inside. She takes out a card and reads.

Ruth: “For my mother-in-law, on her special day, this coupon is redeemable for one free foot massage. Love, Lisa.”

Keith: Nice!

Ruth: Whoooo!

She reaches over and hugs LISA, and almost loses her balance as she does it. She laughs.

Nate: What happened to the bath salts?

Lisa: It just felt so impersonal.

Ruth: Can I have it now?

Lisa: You want it now?

Ruth: Yes, please! I love massages! (giggles)

David: Since when?

Ruth: Since yesterday! Please!

Lisa: You…wanna go on the sun porch? Maybe it’ll be more comfortable.

They all get up and head into the sun porch, RUTH squealing and giggling. DAVID and NATE stand beside each other, completely freaked out by the whole evening.

Bettina: Maybe we’ll all end up naked!

Keith: Well, I wouldn’t bet on that!

Bettina: Well, I would!

DAVID and NATE stay in the kitchen. DAVID pours himself some more wine.

Nate: Does this party seem a little weird to you?

David: On a scale of 1 to 10? 90!

NATE follows DAVID into the next room.

Scene Nine: Restaurant

SCOTT is now at the bar, flirting with a girl. OLIVIER is alone with CLAIRE and RUSSELL.

Olivier: So what do you really think of his work?

Claire: Um…

Russell: I like…parts of it.

Claire: (laughs) Not really, though.

Russell: It’s kind of on the nose.

Claire: It’s way too on the nose!

Olivier: Good. Because every nasty thing I said to him earlier was the absolute truth, and every flattering thing was a lie.

Russell: (laughs) You didn’t say too much that was flattering.

Olivier: You are a brilliant artist, Claire. (RUSSELL looks a little hurt.) The piece you did last week in studio was better than anything Smith has done in the last ten years.

CLAIRE smiles and laughs nervously.

Claire: Really?

Olivier: Absolutely. (pauses) But you, Russell, you’re gonna be successful beyond your wildest dreams.

Now CLAIRE looks a little hurt.

Russell: (very serious) Do you honestly think so?

Olivier: Would I lie to you? I might. But who gives a fuck? The world is gonna love you. That’s why, no matter what, you cannot care what other people think.

Russell: (very intensely) No, I don’t. I don’t care what other people think.

Olivier: Phony baloney, ka-ka shit! Everybody your age cares what other people think. You don’t even know what you think yourself.

Russell: I have to pee.

RUSSELL gets up and leaves. OLIVIER leans in closer to CLAIRE.

Olivier: I’m serious about you, Claire. Russell is good. He’s gonna make a lot of money. But you…your talent is epic. It’s like the tail of a comet. You can change the world.

Claire: (laughs) Oh, shut up! Oh, God!

She covers her face with her hands. As usual, she has trouble taking a compliment.

Olivier: I’m so envious of you. You see the world with your own eyes. Do you know what a rare and precious gift that is?

Claire: No.

OLIVIER smiles and puts his hands on CLAIRE’s face.

Olivier: And God created beauty, and then he retired.

RUSSELL, heading back to the table, sees what OLIVIER is doing. He stops where he’s standing and watches jealously at what is going on.

Olivier: Promise me you’ll do great things in your life. Nothing less!

Claire: Um—

Olivier: Promise me!

Claire: I promise.

Now RUSSELL walks up to them. OLIVIER sees and breaks away from CLAIRE.

Olivier: (nonchalantly) Alright, let’s get out of here, and leave that imbecile with the tab.

He gets up. CLAIRE does, too, and keeps her distance from OLIVIER. RUSSELL watches them and then follows CLAIRE.

Scene Ten: Fisher TV Room

RUTH moans with delight as LISA massages her feet.

Ruth: Oh my God, that feels unbelievably good!

Lisa: I have strong hands.

NATE watches the spectacle from the next room.

Ruth: (moans) Oh, right there, that’s the spot.

David: (to KEITH) How come you never give me a foot massage?

Keith: Because your feet stink.

BETTINA laughs.

David: They do not!

Ruth: They do! You get that from your father.

DAVID’s eyes cross in annoyance.

Keith: How come you never give me a foot massage?

David: Because you never ask.

Nate: This is really weird. (he gets up and goes into the room) I just remembered this dream I had about a month ago, I guess. I was getting a foot massage, and I think you all know that I have extremely ticklish feet.

LISA and RUTH smiles.

Nate: And you were all there. I mean, not you, Bettina, and not you, Keith, no offense, but everyone else. You were there, and Lisa, and David, and Claire. And, there I am, I’m getting this foot massage. I can’t remember who was giving it to me. It think it may have been, um…I think it may have been Dad, um…

Everyone starts to get a little uncomfortable.

Nate: Oh, yeah, and I’m holding Maya, and she’s really slippery, and she’s just squirming like a pig…

Suddenly, he stops talking and stares at RUTH. He imagines her moans of pleasure at the foot massage are something more. She moans sexually and shakes her hair loose. LISA turns around and does the same, giggling like she’s in a porno. NATE stares at them, disturbed beyond belief. He shuts his eyes tight trying to get the image out of his head.

Bettina: And she’s just squirming like a pig, and then what?!?

He snaps out of it.

Nate: I don’t—I don’t remember the rest of it. Except that, uh…I could never find my shoes.

Ruth: I read somewhere that every person in your dream is actually you.

Nate: (almost catatonically) I’m gonna go check on the baby.

He leaves, and BETTINA gives a face like, “What the hell is up with him?”

David: (changing the subject) Did you know that there are more bones in the feet than there are in the rest of the entire body?

Ruth: I didn’t know that, but now that you say it, I totally believe it.

LISA finishes.

Ruth: Thank you, dear. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in a very long time.

Lisa: It’s my pleasure. Just my little way of saying thank you for letting us live here.

Ruth: Well, of course! You’re family!

LISA smiles. DAVID and KEITH give each other a look.

Scene Eleven: Fisher House, exterior

NATE stands outside and lights a cigarette. He inhales deeply and exhales the smoke. He hears laughing going on inside.

Scene Twelve: Slumber Room

The lights are off. DAVID turns them on and opens the door to show everybody the opera set.

David: Okay, nobody touches anything.

Bettina: (inhales in surprise and delight) I love it!

Ruth: Oh, my! It’s very large.

Lisa: I’ve always wanted to see the Great Wall of China.

Ruth: So have I! We should go!

The two continue chatting.

Bettina: What the hell is this?

The opera set is up in all its glory. The entire room has been transformed into an opera house, made up to look like a stylized version of China.

David: The scenic designer of L.A. Lyric Opera created this for the funeral of his lover.

Bettina: It figures!

David: What figures?

Bettina: Only a gay man would build a fucking opera set for his lover’s funeral!

KEITH smiles and laughs.

David: (uptight) I think it cheapens their whole relationship.

Bettina: Oh, pfft! Don’t be such a snob! It’s sweet!

DAVID takes this in, considers her words.

Keith: You’d better be prepared to build me something like this when I go.

David: (playfully) What, something involving Steve McQueen on a motorcycle?

Keith: Yeah, and an entire POW barracks.

He slaps DAVID's ass.

Keith: Now, get over here.

KEITH pulls him over and kisses him on the lips. DAVID pushes him away, feeling uncomfortable since his mom is right there.

Keith: What? Oh, come on! Why don’t you loosen up?

Bettina: Oh, it’s unbelievable!

NATE enters, wearing a different shirt.

Nate: What’d I miss?

Ruth: You and um, me and Lisa are going on vacation to China together!

Bettina: Oh, me me me me me too! Me too! Can I come?

LISA goes over to NATE, with a strange smile on her face.

Nate: Baby, are you drunk?

Lisa: It’s okay. I have like 4 days worth of milk in the freezer.

He smiles.

Lisa: Why’d you change your shirt?

Nate: I just spilled something on the other one.

Lisa: You’re such a klutz…but you’re my klutz!

She hugs him, laughing. Giggling, BETTINA and RUTH climb under a pagoda set up on the “stage,” on their hands and knees, exploring. KEITH laughs out loud, enjoying how happy they look.

Lisa: You smell like Listerine.

Nate: Oh, yeah, yeah.

They smile.

Ruth: I’m dying.

She and BETTINA both make fake gasps and pretend to die on the floor.

Scene Thirteen: Outside Art Exhibit

CLAIRE and RUSSELL stand outside, looking at 2 tall art sculptures, shaped like trees. They’re both a little drunk.

Russell: His name was Simon Rodia, and he spent 33 years working on them, and when he felt they were finished, he gave the deed to his house to a neighbor, packed up, and moved away.

Claire: Wow. They’re amazing.

Russell: He put everything into them. Whatever he’d find on his way walking to and from work, steel rods, seashells, pottery, glass, old boots, corncobs.

Claire: (laughs) He must’ve been out of his mind!

Russell: Well, he was a construction worker. But he was a real artist. And all real artists are out of their mind.

He takes a swig from a bottle of booze wrapped in a paper bag.

Claire: Yeah? You think so?

Russell: Look at Olivier and Scott Smith!

Claire: (laughs) Yeah.

Russell: Van Gogh cut off an ear.

CLAIRE takes a swig from the bottle.

Claire: It’s so weird.

Russell: What?

Claire: I mean, every single person at our school thinks they’re gonna be successful, right? Otherwise they wouldn’t even be doing this.

Russell: Yeah.

Claire: But I mean…what is success? Is it just money? Or fame? Or is it, like, the critics, loving you? Or is it…is it you knowing that you’ve done good work? Or what?

RUSSELL shakes his head and smiles. She keeps looking at the art. He looks at her, with love in his eyes.

Claire: I mean, this is a fucking masterpiece. But maybe the guy who made it just thought it was shit, and…and now no one even knows his name!

Russell: Simon Rodia.

Claire: God. I feel like such a phony.

Russell: No, you’re fucking brilliant.

Claire: Because I can’t imagine ever being this dedicated or this consumed by anything.

Russell: Maybe you just haven’t found whatever it is that’s worth cutting off an ear for.

Claire: (laughs) I would never cut off my fucking ear! Never!

Russell: Van Gogh did it for love.

Claire: He did it because he was totally insane!

Russell: Well, it’s only an ear. You know, it’s not like he couldn’t hear out of it. I mean, there was still a hole there!

CLAIRE laughs out loud. He does too. Things seem like they might almost get romantic. He takes CLAIRE’s hand and checks her watch.

Russell: It’s almost 2.

Claire: Oh my God. I’m not even tired, are you? (drinks)

Russell: No.

He takes a swig.

Scene Fourteen: Fisher House

Upstairs, in the dining room, everyone is having a fantastic time. Music is blasting, and everybody is dancing. BETTINA dances with KEITH. DAVID and LISA dance with MAYA. KEITH sidles on over to DAVID, and they start to dance together provocatively. DAVID’s loosened up a lot since earlier that night. BETTINA and RUTH dance together, kidding. LISA hands MAYA to RUTH, who lifts her up high and dances with her.

Cut to the slumber room, where NATE is taking a nap of his own, totally worn out. NATHANIEL, SR. appears to him, dressed in a black t-shirt and shorts, much like NATE used to wear in the first season. NATE is now wearing a funeral suit, much like NATHANIEL, SR. always used to wear.
Nathaniel, Sr.: Party pooper! How come you’re not upstairs embarrassing yourself with everybody else.

Nate: (yawns and sits up) I don’t know. I—

Nathaniel, Sr.: Wanted a little time to yourself? I know this great little Indian restaurant in Hollywood. The owner’ll give you the room upstairs. All you have to do is bury his wife for free.

He laughs, gleefully. NATE stands up and paces.

Nate: Yeah, I’m not quite there yet.

Nathaniel, Sr.: Won’t be long! (now he’s sitting on the stand where the coffin usually sits—the room is back to normal in NATE’s dream and not done up like an opera house) You’re a funeral director, which you never wanted to be. Just like your old man! You married a woman that you knocked up because you thought it was the right thing to do. Just like your old man! (takes out a pack of cigarettes and gestures to NATE) You want one?

Nate: (annoyed) No, thanks.

Nathaniel, Sr.: So, when you wake up, you’re gonna throw away that pack you already have?

Nate: Probably.

NATHANIEL, SR. laughs.

Nate: (yells) I’M NOT YOU!

Nathaniel, Sr.: You just keep telling yourself that.

Nate: I’M NOT SHUT DOWN! I’M NOT 500 FUCKING MILLION MILES AWAY! I HAVEN’T GIVEN UP! I LOVE MY FAMILY!

Infuriated, he sits down on the couch. NATHANIEL SR. is now sitting next to him. He puts his arm over his shoulder.

Nathaniel, Sr.: Buddy boy, you think I would’ve stuck around if I didn’t love mine?

NATE wakes up with a start. He hears the loud music and jubilation from upstairs.

Act Three

Scene One: Claire's Bedroom, next morning

CLAIRE and RUSSELL sit on her bed, looking at an art textbook.

Claire: Check this out. “Ambiguous Figure Between Curtains” by Olivier Castro-Staal.

Russell: That is so intense.

Claire: It’s part of the permanent collection of the Contemporary Arts Center in Cincinnati.

Russell: It reminds me of Frances Bacon a little.

Claire: (nods) Oh my God. He was only 20 when he made this?!? That means we have like a year to produce something this good.

Russell: I think it’s really cool that you live in a funeral home.

Claire: (laughs) Believe me, it’s not.

Russell: Are you kidding? I’m jealous! It’s totally weird and excellent and perfect for when they write your biography.

She laughs.

Russell: I’m not gay, you know.

Claire: (looks up at him, innocently, as if the thought never crossed her mind) What?

Russell: I’m not…gay.

Claire: Who said anything about you being gay?

Russell: Well, you thought I was. Most people think I am. But I’m not.

Claire: Okay.

Russell: And I don’t even know what it is, but guys hit on me like all the fucking time.

Claire: It’s probably because you’re hot.

Russell: You think I’m hot?

Claire: I do.

Russell: Really? Because usually I get a “He’s cute!”

Claire: No, you’re way more than cute.

Russell: I am.

Claire: Definitely.

Russell: So you didn’t think I was gay?

Claire: (pauses) I thought you might be.

Russell: Well, I’m not.

Claire: I think we’ve just established that.

Russell: (smiles) Okay.

They look into each other’s eyes and smile.

Scene Two: Slumber Room

BOB’s service is about to begin. The lights are down in the slumber room and all the mourners have taken their seats. NATE, DAVID, and RICO stand together by the door. A children’s choir sings in the background, as the lights go out and spotlights come up on the “stage.” The curtain (a scrim) glows for a few seconds and shadowy outlines of trees appear behind it. The light rises behind it, and the curtain is completely transparent. 4 children in Oriental robes sing the opera in front of the pagoda, under which the beautiful, ornate casket is laid out. The background looks like we are in a forest, with a full moon shining. KEVIN approaches them from the next room and watches with them.

Kevin: I lit it exactly the way Bob would have. I always needed his lighting to make me look good.

He laughs quietly to himself. NATE smiles and puts his arm around KEVIN’s shoulder.

The children leave the stage.

Scene Three: Slumber Room, later

KEVIN stands in front of the curtain and speaks a eulogy.

Kevin: Thank you all for joining me today in celebrating Bob’s life. We’re all so lucky to have experienced the joy of knowing him, and I’m not just referring to the joy of knowing him biblically. Although a lot of you here have experienced that as well.

There is quiet laughter in the “audience.”

Kevin: I know, because I was there.

More laughter. DAVID and RICO both look uncomfortable. NATE does not.

Kevin: I never thought that I’d be in a relationship…at all. I thought I didn’t have what it takes, that no one could possibly love me enough to…stick around.

DAVID starts to listen to KEVIN’s words and stops being so judgmental. He begins to be touched by his words.

Kevin: But Bob did. He stuck around. And so did I. And for 22 years, we shared our hearts, our bodies, our souls.

DAVID really takes this to heart. Even RICO looks touched.

Kevin: It wasn’t always easy, it wasn’t always fun. But it was always worth it. I don’t know what I did in a previous life, but to quote Julie Andrews as Maria Von Trapp, “it must have been something good,” because I’ve been rewarded a thousand fold in this life.

He begins to cry and sits down.One of the mourners gets up, goes to the front podium and sings “Nessun Dorma.”

Tenor: Nessun dorma!... Nessun dorma!...
Tu pure, o Principessa,
nella tua fredda stanza
guardi le stelle che tremano
d'amore e di speranza!
Ma il mio mistero
è chiuso in me,
il nome mio nessun saprà!
No, no, sulla tua bocca lo dirò,
quando la luce splenderà!
Ed il mio bacio scoglierà
il silenzio che ti fa mia!

RICO looks extremely touched by the aria, as is NATE. DAVID looks as if he is almost on the verge of tears, as the beautiful music continues.

The screen fades to white.

Act Four

Scene One: Lisa and Nate's (New) Apartment, formerly David's

BLISA folds laundry, MAYA nearby her. NATE enters.

Lisa: How was the funeral?

Nate: It was pretty great, actually. As far as funerals go.

Lisa: I could hear the singing from here!

NATE helps her fold.

Nate: Yeah, the guy had an amazing voice.

Lisa: Do you think your mother had fun last night?

Nate: Are you kidding me? I haven’t seen her that happy in…well, maybe ever. That was a really great thing you did, honey. I’m really proud of you.

They hug and he kisses her on the head.

Nate: And I’m really proud of us.

Lisa: For what?

Nate: For making this work. For being present. For showing up each day. For being committed to being a family.

Lisa: (takes this the wrong way) Is it that hard for you?

Nate: No, no, no, no, of course not.

Lisa: I thought this is what you wanted.

Nate: It is what I want.

Lisa: Are you sure?

Nate: Of course.

Lisa: I mean like totally sure? 100% and absolutely? No doubts whatsoever?

Nate: I’m sure.

She hugs him and sighs.

Lisa: Oh, Nate, I love you so much, it terrifies me.

This freaks him out a little, but he pushes the thought aside.

Lisa: Do you think you might be able to run by Whole Foods for me some time tonight?

Nate: Yeah, I’ll go right now.

Lisa: You will?

Nate: Yeah.

Lisa: The list is on the fridge, in the main house.

Nate: (smiles) Okay.

He heads for the door. On his way, he grabs his jacket. A pack of cigarettes is sticking out of one of the pockets. He pushes it in.

Nate: I won’t be long.

He goes.

Scene Two: Keith and David's Apartment

KEITH eats Chinese food out of a carton and watches “Baywatch.” DAVID enters.

Keith: You’re home early.

David: Am I?

He seems a little frazzled.

Keith: How was your day?

David: It was…okay. How was yours?

Keith: Oh, the usual.

DAVID sits next to him and the couch and suddenly bursts into tears.

Keith: (turns to him) Hey, what’s wrong?

He puts his food down and moves closer to DAVID. He holds his hand and caresses it.

David: I want…I want us to last. I want us to stay together.

Keith: Okay.

David: I just want it to be worth it.

Keith: (consoling) Okay.

DAVID puts his head on KEITH’s shoulder and cries, and KEITH caresses his hair, gently. DAVID hugs him hard.

Scene Three: Fisher Dining Room

CLAIRE enters, in an unusually good mood. RUTH is cleaning the dining room.

Claire: (smiling) How was your birthday party?

Ruth: (smiles, laughs) You know what? I thought it was going to be awful, but it was truly one of the finest evenings I ever spent.

Claire: Wow! I’m sorry I missed it.

Ruth: Lisa gave me a foot massage. It was heavenly. (laughs) I got a little tipsy. We danced.

Claire: (laughs) Okay. I’m really sorry I missed it.

Ruth: I saved you a piece of birthday cake. It’s in the fridge.

Claire: Thanks. (starts to leave)

Ruth: How was your guest artist lecture?

Claire: (stops) Oh, it was…Actually, it was truly one of the finest evenings I’ve ever spent!

RUTH laughs.

Claire: We went out afterwards, me, Russell, and our teacher, and then this artist, and I’m not even sure what happened, but I just had this like glimpse of what might be possible, and for whatever reason, the world just seemed like really open and interesting and not totally screwed up. And I don’t know. I don’t know. (smiles widely, laughs, genuinely happy) I just felt really happy.

RUTH smiles back at her, truly thrilled for her.

Claire: (on a whim) Mom, would you like to go to a museum with me today?

Ruth: I would love nothing more! Should I make lunch first?

Claire: No, let’s go out. We can go to Neddie’s. It’ll be my treat…for your birthday.

Ruth: Well, thank you, Claire! I was just gonna put this table back where it was.

Claire: Oh, do you want me to help?

RUTH is delighted that CLAIRE so wants to spend time with her, and is so willing to help. This is truly the best birthday present she’s had yet.

Ruth: No, we can do it later.

They leave.

The screen fades to white.
 

END OF EPISODE