Épisode Le pied S01E03 - Six Feet Under Saison 1

Prelude

Scene: Factory, nighttime

Two night janitors are working in a large bakery factory, in which we see a great deal of industrial dough mixers. One, an older man, is named THOMAS ROMANO. He's been working here for many years. He is training the younger man, a new worker there.

Thomas: OK, this here's the dough mixer. You gotta get in there, really scrub it. Hose it down every night. Keep the bugs out. Somebody found a roach in a loaf of whole wheat once and sued.

Young Man: Can't you just spray with Raid?

Thomas: And then you got bug-poisoned bread that might kill 100 people. Is that good?

THOMAS climbs up the ladder and down into the dough mixer. It is a huge vat with large blenders.

Thomas: (holding his back) Oh, Jesus.

The young man takes a bucket of water and passes it down to him. The young man continues to stand on the ladder, looking down in at THOMAS.

Thomas: I gotta get to my chiropractor.

Young Man: Hey. Think anyone's ever had sex in here?

Thomas: Now, why the fuck would you even think that, huh?

The young man smiles, but then looks horrified when he sees a roach jump onto his hand. He screams and falls backwards off the ladder. As he falls, his leg kicks the switch on, starting up the blenders. We hear a terrified scream from THOMAS before the young man quickly turns it off.

Young Man: Romano? Romano? Romano? Are you OK?

The screen fades to white.

"THOMAS ALFREDO ROMANO
MAY 16, 1944-JANUARY 21, 2001"

Act One

Scene One: Brenda's Bedroom

NATE and BRENDA are lying on the floor, next to the bed. It is daytime. They are both laughing. They have just had sex. A big band song is playing on the radio in the background.

Nate: That was--you made the weirdest noise back there.

Brenda: If I were you, I would not get into the weird noise contest.

Nate: Oh, yeah? (they kiss) I love this song.

Brenda: This? Really?

Nate: Yeah. My dad had all these old big band records. All this reminds me of being a kid, still being blissfully ignorant of what a sick joke life can be.

Brenda: I'd have pegged you as more of a fan of--what? Sting? U2? You know, grew up in the 80’s but too straight to be into real hardcore punk stuff.

Nate: Oh, yeah? And I suppose you were into the really hardcore punk stuff?

Brenda: Kind of. I think it was just the heroine talking... (NATE gives her a very strange, shocked look) Oh man, I love that look! (they kiss)

Nate: I really have to go. Mom and David and I are having some sort of family meeting to discuss whether we should sell the business to Kroehner. Oh, God, I hope we will.

Brenda: Why?

Nate: So I can get the hell out of here and go back to Seattle. Why don't you come with me?

Brenda: Why on earth would I want to do something like that?

Nate: (caveman voice) Because you are my woman.

Brenda: You're out of your mind.

Nate: Oh, yeah? How come my name's branded on your ass? (This time, she gives him a look.) I love that look. (She smiles.)

Scene Two: Fisher Kitchen

DAVID is sitting at the table. RUTH is washing dishes.

David: You don't understand how serious this is. We're under siege by a major corporation.

Ruth: Stop being so dramatic.

David: Mom, it's a fact.

Ruth: David, we all have problems. (shows him a dirty dish) This oat bran is stuck on here like cement because you didn't soak any water in it, thank you very much.

David: Listen to me. Kroehner is pressuring our suppliers to demand money up front. Now Continental Caskets wants us to pay for anything we put in the showroom before we actually sell it. That's thousands of dollars.

Ruth: Your father never let these things get to him like you do.

David: Well, he never had to deal with this kind of situation.

Ruth: I'm sure things will work out. They always do.

David: No, they don't.

CLAIRE comes down to the kitchen in a bathrobe. She has had sex the night before. She comes down with a huge, wide smile on her face. RUTH and DAVID give her a strange look. She never smiles like this!

Ruth: What's going on with you?

Claire: Nothing...

CLAIRE gives a coy face. The lights go out, and it is dark as night. A spotlight appears, shining on her face. She opens up her robe to reveal a black, sparkly dress. CLAIRE begins to sing. RUTH and DAVID stand up and start singing backup, smiling and dancing.

Claire: (singing) Oooh, what a little moonlight can do-oo-oo.

David and Ruth: (singing) Do-oo-oo.

Claire: (singing) Oooh, what a little moonlight can do to you.

David and Ruth: (singing) Do to you.

Claire: (singing) You're in love--

Back to normal. CLAIRE sits at the breakfast table. RUTH gives her a plate of pancakes.

Ruth: You're not leaving here till you put some food in your stomach.

Claire: Oh, I'm starving. (She hungrily wolfs down the pancakes.)

Ruth: Are you bulimic? Is that what we're going to have to deal with now?

Claire: Mom, apparently you want a child with an eating disorder.

NATE enters.

Nate: Morning. (He kisses RUTH.)

Ruth: How was your run?

Nate: I haven't gone yet. I stayed over at Brenda's last night.

Ruth: Oh.

David: No one cares where you were. Why do you have to tell people every single thing you do all day?

Nate: Sorry. I forgot we're supposed to live under a shroud of secrecy... So I think we should sell, and I'm not saying that just because I don't want to have anything to do with this business. Come on. Have you looked at their offer? That's a lot of money. Stock options.

David: Do you have any idea how arrogant you are? You don't get to decide what we're doing.

Nate: I own half, Dave.

David: You haven't spent the last 11 years working here. You didn't give up anything for this.

Nate: Well, is this really what you want to be doing with your life or are you just trying to make a dead man happy?

David: (looks at CLAIRE) We should have this conversation later.

Nate: Why can't she be a part of this?

Claire: Thank you.

David: Nate, this is all I know.

Nate: So stay and run the place for Kroehner... Or go to law school like you always wanted.

Claire: Take my trust fund. I'll take the cash.

Ruth: I think Nate's right. Who knows how long any of us has left? We should do what makes us happy.

David: Fine. Sell. What do I care?

Nate: You mean it?

David: Sure. Let's just invalidate my entire life. (DAVID storms out.)

Nate: I'll go to Gilardi today and tell him our decision.

Scene Three: Room Behind the Curtain

DAVID is sitting across from three women, the Romano family. The mother's name is BARBARA. She has two grown daughters. The eldest is named PAULINE. The younger one is JUDY.

Barbara: (looking at casket catalogue) I don't know. I guess the one with the satin interior.

Pauline: Ma, there were like five with satin material. Let's just go with the Classic Regal.

Judy: I like the White Pearl.

Pauline: Classic Regal will be fine.

Barbara: Who cares anyway? My Tommy was cut up into 50 pieces by a big giant dough mixer.

Judy: Oh, Ma, Pop wasn't in that many pieces.

Pauline: Ma, he's gonna look just as you remember him. (to DAVID) Right?

David: Um...

Pauline: It says in your brochure you have a gifted restorative artist. Whatever. Can he make sure Pop looks good enough for an open casket or not? Because, you know, we'll go elsewhere.

David: You'll be completely satisfied with our work. I guarantee it.

Scene Four: Basement

Federico: Humpty Dumpty, huh? Train tracks?

David: Uh--dough mixer.

Federico. Oooh.

David: Can you go to St. Joseph's to pick him up?

Federico: Not today. It's my cousin Ramone's baby's christening. I told you about this.

David: I'll give you 50 bucks extra... A hundred.

Federico: I'm the godfather, David.

David: Shit. I can't go because of Mrs. Bond's viewing, and I can't call the service, because Kroehner told Marty if he does our pickups, he'll lose all their business.

Federico: So send Nate. You know, I know he hates this shit, but he's your partner now, right?

Scene Five: Outside St. Joseph's Hospital

NATE and a DOCTOR carry out a body bag.

Doctor: He's like in a lot of pieces.

Nate: Humpty Dumpty, I know. (He almost drops his side of the body bag.)

Doctor: Careful, that could be his head.

Nate: Jesus.

Doctor: Or his pelvis. Aah, it's probably his head. (They get to the van. The DOCTOR opens the back door) So what happened to Rico? He get canned?

Nate: No, he's just busy.

Doctor: You new over there?

Nate: Nope. I'm just a temp.

Doctor: I heard Old Man Fisher kicked. You know him?

Nate: Not really.

Doctor: Hey, no offense, pal. You might want to call your agency and ask for a new assignment.

Nate: I'm already on it.

Scene Six: Outside the High School

CLAIRE is talking on her cell phone, leaving a message on GABRIEL's answering machine.

Claire: Hey, Gabe. I looked for you in the quad this morning, but I didn't see you, so maybe you stayed home because you were tired or something. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, and not in any serious way, I was just thinking about you casually. OK. Bye. (She hangs up.) I wanna kill myself.

Kids point at CLAIRE and laugh. She walks up to her car, and sees that it is covered with graffiti, with words like “This Little Piggy Lover”, “Foot Slut”, “Toe Sucker”, and “Oink Oink”. She gets in her car and drives away.

Scene Seven: Furniture Store

David: It's such a fucking easy decision for him. Oh, and Mom takes his side. Big surprise. It's like I don't even exist. Like me giving up law school meant nothing.

Keith: So fight. If you really want to keep the business, don't give it away.

David: See, that's just it. All day long I've been feeling this incredible sense of relief. I don't know if I want to keep it. I could do anything. I'm still young. Right?

Keith: You kidding? You're still a baby.

David: (pointing to a ceiling fan) What about that one?

Keith: That's a little too Mayberry for me. Something simple and clean, like the ones that hang in the deserted truck stop... and that handsome drifter blows into town.

David: Of course. What about that one?

Keith: Uh... Not bad. I could see Ava Gardner lying beneath it, plotting to steal Clark Gable away from Grace Kelley.

David: People start their lives over all the time, right?

Keith: Yeah.

A man walks between KEITH and DAVID, and checks DAVID out. He gives DAVID a flirting look.

Keith: That guy just cruised you.

David: (excited) Really?

Keith: Bitch! Right in front of me, like I'm not even here.

David: He did? And I missed it?

Keith: (sarcastically) Well, I'm sorry...

Scene Eight: Fisher Front Porch

RUTH answers the door. Her "best friend," or rather the woman who thinks she is RUTH's best friend, AMELIA, stands at the door, holding a covered dish.

Amelia: Oh, Ruth.

Ruth: Amelia, another casserole.

Amelia: Lemon bars. The kids'll love 'em.

Ruth: Don't you have candy striping today?

Amelia: I did, but I told them my best friend needed me.

Scene Nine: Kroehner Services International Office

Gilardi: You made the right decision.

Nate: I know. I never realized how much money there was to be made in the funeral business.

Gilardi: Death care industry. And it's only gonna grow with all the baby boomers and all.

Nate: Wow, gee. There'll be bodies everywhere.

Gilardi: Hopefully... and all the final resting places provided by Kroehner. With a little help from Fisher & Sons. You know, we've had our eyes on your operation for some time. Your father was a nice guy, but he didn't know how to run a business.

NATHANIEL, SR. appears behind GILARDI.

Nate: Well, my dad was never in it for the money. I think he was more concerned about, you know, helping people.

Gilardi: You wanna help people, join the Peace Corps.

Nate: Yeah.

Nathaniel, Sr.: Greedy little Nazi fuck.

Nate: So, how exactly will this work?

Gilardi: We won't change the appearance of your unit at all. Maybe a little cosmetic upgrading, perhaps, but preparation of loved ones will now take place at a centralized location which services several other units, technicians on staff, constantly producing.

Nate: So it's like a little factory of embalming.

Gilardi: Preparation for visitation. Now, we maintain a small fleet of vehicles.

Nate: Hearses.

Gilardi: Funeral carriages.

Nate: Dead wagons.

Gilardi: Removal vans.

Nate: Aah.

Gilardi: Once you centralize operations, you'd be amazed how you maximize profits.

Nate: So, in the end, we're all just Human McNuggets.

Gilardi: Just as we began. I like you, Nate.

Nathaniel, Sr.: You hear that, buddy boy? He likes you. Wow, you are so cool!

Gilardi: (hands NATE an envelope) Your initial payment, sir. The rest will follow after both of our lawyers have held up the process long enough to justify their fees. In the meantime, we'd like to send a facilities inspector out to take a look at things as early as next week.

Scene Ten: School Hallway

GABRIEL walks by, as a friend of his leaves.

Gabriel: I'll see ya later.

Friend: Yeah, right, later.

CLAIRE approaches GABRIEL.

Gabriel: Hey, what's going on?

Claire: Fucking asshole.

Gabriel: Um...?

Claire: Why is my car covered with words like "Toe Sucker"?

Gabriel: I--I don’t know.

Claire: You didn't, for instance, blab to your friends that you bagged me and that I sucked your toes?

Gabriel: I might have told 1 person. I--Andy--he just--he asked me what I did the night before, so I told him. I mean--

Claire: You know, it's not like I thought this was going to work out, because I know nothing ever works out. But I guess I just wanted to enjoy this for a little bit. And instead, the whole world is calling me "This Little Piggy Lover." (He laughs.)

Gabriel: I'm sorry. I--Come on, so what? So what? So it got out? Who cares?

Claire: You know what I wish? I wish that just once people wouldn't act like the cliches that they are.

Scene Eleven: Ruth's Bedroom

RUTH and AMELIA are going through NATHANIEL, SR.'s clothes. RUTH is making a pile on her bed.

Ruth: (holds a suit) This can go to good will. And this, and this one too. Maybe Nathaniel's clothes are too dull for good will. Does good will ever refuse anything?

Amelia: Ruth, if you want to cry, cry.

Ruth: What are you talking about?

Amelia: Just let it out. That's why I'm here.

Ruth: For the last time: I'm fine.

Amelia: I just think it's very interesting. You're supposed to be making two piles. One for good will, and one for memories, and yet you have not held onto one thing.

Ruth: The memory pile was your stupid idea. What am I supposed to do with Nathaniel's old clothes? Make pillows? A quilt? I mean, how about just burn them all? How can someone with so little clothing have so much clothing?

Amelia: (picks up a small piece of paper off the nightstand) What is this?

Ruth: (grabbing it away) Nothing. It's stupid.

Amelia: Something about visiting the pyramids, taking ballet lessons.

Ruth: I wrote down things I might want to do now that I’m--have more time.

Amelia: Well, I think that's wonderful.

Ruth: No, it's not. It's stupid. I don't even want to do any of these things. I just did it, because some book told me to. What am I, going to be in "Swan Lake"?

Amelia: Why not? You see stories like that on the news all the time. It's inspiring.

Ruth: It's depressing. It seems so desperate.

Amelia: Maybe it's a little desperate. Besides, who knows? It's always possible you might meet a man.

Ruth: That part of my life is over. You know, you're supposed to flip this mattress every two months.

Amelia: I do mine every 14 weeks.

Ruth: Well, I can't remember ever flipping this. It's probably been 20 years. Come on. Get up.

Amelia: You haven't finished going through Nathaniel's clothes.

RUTH loses her temper, and throws all of the clothes onto the floor.

Amelia: Ruth... Ruth... How can I help you?

Ruth: You can lift this up with me. (takes off the sheet)

Amelia: An uncovered mattress is so sad.

Ruth: Help me turn this over.

Amelia: OK.

They turn the mattress over and sit down on it.

Amelia: Does it feel any different?

Ruth: No.

Scene Twelve: Van

NATE drives the van past a park and sees a line of protestors.

Protestors: Save our park! Save our park!

They carry signs that say things like: "No more money for politicians, money for parks", "Live and let play", "Save our city’s green spaces", "Think of our children", etc. Suddenly, NATE looks at the signs and they have turned into words against him, such as "Sellout", "Take the Money and Run", "Go back to Seattle, bag boy", and "You fucking moron". NATHANIEL, SR. appears next to him in the car.

Nathaniel, Sr.: What are you doing? You have a gift. You can help people. Fine. Go back to peddling soy milk and nailing waitresses. What do I care? I'm dead.

The man in the car behind him honks loudly.

Driver: Move it, asshole!

Scene Thirteen: Fisher Kitchen

David: So now you don't want to sell?

Nate: I know it sounds crazy.

David: Oh, no, not at all. We'll keep the business for the rest of the day, then sell it again tomorrow for a few hours.

Nate: Dave--

David: No, no, this is a good system. We'll sell in the mornings, keep it in the afternoons and maybe sometimes we sell again in the evenings when we really can't make a decision.

Ruth: David, you're not being fair.

David: When I didn't want to sell, you couldn’t have cared less, and when Nate doesn't want to sell, you listen.

Ruth: OK, I'm a terrible mother who's responsible for all you problems. Happy?

David: So what? You had some revelation and now you want to be a funeral director. How long is that going to last?

Ruth: He does have a point, Nate. You don't always stick with things.

David: I mean, come on, you can't even stand to be in the same room with a dead body.

Nate: I know, but there's a reason for that. This is what I'm supposed to do. Which is why I've spent so much time running away from it. My whole life, I've been a tourist. Now, I have the chance to do some good instead of just sucking up air. I know it's a lot to ask of you, I know, but I just really think that we can do this. You and me. Together. Brothers, like we used to be.

David: We could still sell to Kroehner and both manage Fisher & Sons.

Nate: Yeah, but then we're just spokesmodels working to make fat Republican stockholders richer. And Kroehner doesn't give a shit about people. We care. We can help them through their grief. That's what we do.

David: This is a business, Nate. It's not a charity.

Nate: Well, of course it's a business, but it's more than that and you know it.

David: OK.

Nate: Great. I'll call Gilardi and tell him he can kiss our collective ass.

He tears up the check.

Ruth: Language!

Nate: Maybe Dad knew what he was doing.

Scene Fourteen: Brenda's House, nighttime

BRENDA and NATE open a bottle of champagne.

Brenda: Oh!

Nate: (when cork pops out) Whoa!

BRENDA laughs.

Nate: You really did not have to waste this stuff on me.

Brenda: Oh, please, my parents got a case of it from some TV movie they were technical advisors on. Some serial killer thing for cable. Oh, they're such whores! They'll do anything. Gosh. Do you believe this stuff is expensive?

Nate: You know, I'd always wanted to tell off some corporate shit, some greedy little Nazi fuck, you know?

Brenda: That's very hostile.

Nate: No, it's very diplomatic. I just said “Thanks, but we changed our minds”.

Brenda: What did he do?

Nate: He didn't do anything. What's he gonna do?

Scene Fifteen: Driveway Outside Fisher & Sons

A dead wagon driver is taking a body away on a gurney.

David: This is completely unacceptable.

Driver: What can I tell you? The Baxters changed their mind. They're going with the Unger Mortuary.

David: Was there a reason?

Driver: They probably just underbid you.

David: I know Hal Unger. He never underbid anybody.

Driver: Unger moved to Florida. They were bought out by Kroehner months ago. Sign here.

Scene Sixteen: Brenda's Front Porch/Living Room

BRENDA is smoking pot.

Nate: You know, I didn't just decide to stay in Los Angeles because of the business. I had another reason.

Brenda: Oh, please. Don't ruin this. I've got such a nice buzz going.

Nate: It was you.

Brenda: Nate, get serious.

Nate: It's true.

Brenda: No, it's not. You're staying here because you found something that you want to do. I am the extra bonus that probably won't work out.

Nate: Sometimes your honesty gets really tiresome.

They walk inside.

Brenda: I don't want any children.

Nate: Whoa, who said anything about children?

Brenda: I was referring to you.

Nate: Aah.

Brenda: I got something for you. (She runs to her bedroom and comes back with an envelope.) Open it.

Nate: (taking out tickets) Glen Miller Orchestra at the Hollywood Palladium. Brenda, this is so cool! I've never been to the Palladium.

Brenda: You grew up in L.A., and you've never been to the Palladium? That's pathetic.

Nate: Hey, this is for three weeks from now. How'd you know I wouldn't be in Seattle?

Brenda: I didn't.

Scene Seventeen: Fisher Kitchen

DAVID walks into the kitchen. It is late at night. He takes some food out of the fridge, and eats a little. He notices the torn-up check on the table. He puts the pieces together and is disheartened when he sees the amount, realizing what a great deal of money they have sacrificed by deciding not to sell to Kroehner.

Act Two

Scene One: Basement

Nate: Good morning, Rico.

Federico: Just what I need. Another boss breathing down my neck.

Nate: Hey, put me to work.

The phone rings.

Federico: (answering the phone) Hello? (He whispers to his wife, who is on the line, in Spanish. We can hear the name “Kroehner” amid the whispering. He holds the phone for a moment and talks to NATE.) The pregnancy's kicked Vanessa's hormones into overload. I gotta go talk her down. Look, if you really want to help, take Mr. Romano out of the bag and put him on the table. And remember, breathe through your mouth, man. He’s pretty ripe.

FEDERICO leaves the room, talking on the phone. NATE puts on his disposable gloves and unzips the body bag.

Nate: Oh, Christ.

Trying to carry the bag onto the table, NATE loses his hold, and the bag opens. Body parts spill all over the floor. CLAIRE enters.

Claire: Nate?

Nate: Great. Look what you made me do!

Claire: Oh, gross. (She holds her nose.) I want to talk to you about something.

Nate: I don't know if you noticed but I'm a little busy right now, swimming in a man's guts. (picks up a body part) I don't know what this is. I'm picking up a part of a person, and I don't even know what part it is!

Claire: Fine. I'll--I'll talk to you later.

Nate: (not paying attention) Oh, God.

A few moments later, in the hallway, CLAIRE brushes against DAVID, who is walking down the stairs as she is going up.

Claire: Sorry.

DAVID enters the other room to see body parts all over the floor and NATE puking in the sink.

David: What the hell are you doing?

Nate: I work here now. I have to be a part of things.

David: Let Rico take care of him. I have a job for you that's much better suited to your particular talents.

Scene Two: Outside the Fisher House

NATE is clipping the hedges. MATT GILARDI approaches him.

Gilardi: Morning, Nate. Lovely day, isn't it?

Nate: I've seen better.

Gilardi: I only wanted to say “Hello”, seeing that I'm your new neighbor. We just bought that house across the street. Got it for a song, too. Oh, and by the way, we're planning to put you out of business in six months.

Scene Three: Slumber Room

David: They're opening a Poseidon Society across the street?!

Nate: That's right. What is a Poseidon Society?

David: They sell cremations. Cheap cremations. Now for a fraction of what we charge, you can now dump off the relative you never really liked anyway at the Torch Mart across the street.

Nate: I guess we have to just continue to do our best.

David: And how exactly do we do that? You know, Lu, the florist, that sweet old guy? He just upped what he charges us by 200%. And that chemical dealer on Figaro is now suing us over some non-existent shipment of cavity fluid. And every other supplier that we have in common with Kroehner has suddenly developed some sort of problem with Fisher and Sons. For some unknown reason by the name of Kroehner, the health department is going to inspect us next week.

Nate: Yeah, so what? Isn't everything clean?

David: Yes, but any inspection means we have to update something. If it's the ventilation system, we're sunk. We should've sold.

Federico: (entering) Uh, Nate. I'm having a problem. You don't happen to have Mr. Romano's foot on you, do you?

Scene Four: Basement

David: Do you remember picking up the foot?

Nate: I think so, but my eyes were shut, and I was trying not to vomit.

David: I'm not happy.

Nate: Well, that's very interesting, David, because I'm ecstatic! Maybe the morgue never gave us that foot.

Federico: Both feet are listed in the paperwork, Nate.

David: Just think, Nate. Is there any other point you could have lost it?

RUTH enters suddenly, with a laundry basket.

Ruth: Lost what?

David: Nothing.

Ruth: (going to the dryer) If you lost something, look under the bed. That's where things always turn up.

Nate: I doubt that applies in this case.

Ruth: That's what people always say, then they find whatever it is they're looking for under the bed.

David: Mom, we're really busy down here.

Ruth: The upstairs machine is broken. (opens the dryer) I called the repairman, but... Oh my God, what is this?! (Everyone looks horrified, certain she has found the foot!) Someone left the Kleenex in their pocket, and now it's all over everything. Disgusting! (She puts the laundry in the basket and exits. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)

David: Nate, retrace your steps. Is there any other point you could have lost the foot?

Nate: I almost dropped him at the morgue, but the bag didn't open. I tripped on the stairs, but nothing fell out. I banged him into the freezer--nothing. Spilled him on the floor, but...

Federico: And I picked him up off the floor.

Nate: It should be here.

David: I'd say it's an 8 million dollar lawsuit.

Federico: At least.

Scene Five: School Hallway

CLAIRE is walking down the school hallway. People are making fun of her.

Boy: Hey, you like my new shoes? They’re size 12!

Boy #2: (fake coughing) Toe slut!

CLAIRE continues walking forward, and appears very driven, as if she is on a mission.

Scene Six: Ruth's Bedroom

RUTH puts a decorative pillow on a chair, but doesn't like it there. She picks it up and puts it on another chair. She finally gives up and stuffs it in the trash bin. She picks up her phone and dials.

Ruth: Amelia? It's me, Ruth. Your best friend needs help.

Scene Seven: School Hallway

GABRIEL walks up to his locker, and opens it. Inside, he finds a red bag. He looks inside and begins to scream in horror.

Scene Eight: Room Behind the Curtain

DAVID and NATE once again sit with the Romano women.

Barbara: Is he all put together?

David: Oh, he's 100% there.

Nate: Absolutely.

Barbara: I'd like to see him.

Nate: I'm sorry. Our enbalmer is a little on the artistic side. He gets crazy if he has any "input".

David: It's best to wait until we're completely done.

Judy: One more thing. His shoes. (She takes out a pair of Birkenstock sandals.)

Pauline: What are you, an idiot?

Judy: Those are his favorite shoes.

Pauline: He has perfectly comfortable loafers. Which would be much more appropriate.

David: Yes, I myself have loafers, which are just like walking on air.

Scene Nine: Room Behind the Curtain, later, after the Romanos have left

NATE and DAVID are walking from the room to the front hall.

Nate: We should have just told them the truth.

David: Mmm. “Sorry, Mrs. Romano, but my idiot of a brother lost a part of your husband.” Yeah, that woulda worked. (By now, DAVID is on his way out the front door.)

Nate: Where are you going?

David: I have some place I have to be. When I return, I hope to be greeted by a foot, a solution as to how to stop a billion dollar corporation from putting us out of business, and pruned hedges.

Scene Ten: Racetrack

Amelia: Now, aren't you glad you got out of the house?

Ruth: Yes, this is just what I needed.

Amelia: We should try to get a seat right down front.

Ruth: I'm placing a bet.

Amelia: No, we should just try to enjoy the day. I don't see why we need to gamble.

RUTH walks towards the betting booths. In front of her and Amelia in line are a young man and young woman, making out.

Amelia: They're sweet.

Ruth: You both look so happy.

Man: (joking) It's an act. (His girlfriend hits him, playfully.)

Ruth: Just enjoy it while it lasts, which isn't very long.

Man: Excuse me?

Ruth: You think you have forever, but you don't. Soon you start to get on each other's nerves, then you don't tell the other person as much as you used to, because, really, what's the point? You thought they understood you , but they never did, not really.

Amelia: Ruth...

Ruth: Finally, not only do you not tell the other person anything real. You actively start lying to him. And then when you think it can't get any worse, he up and dies!

Man: I think I see a shorter line over there.

Woman: Bye. (They both walk away.)

Ruth: (loudly) No matter what you do, you end up alone, not knowing who you are, or what you really want.

Amelia: Ruth, Ruth, why did you come here today?

Ruth: To have fun. Aren't you having fun?!

Scene Eleven: Keith's Bedroom/Fisher Basement

KEITH and DAVID lie next to each other on the bed, staring up at the new ceiling fan.

David: I think it's wobbling.

Keith: It's not wobbling. It just looks like it's wobbling because you've been staring at it for so long.

David: No, it's definitely wobbling.

Keith: You're hallucinating.

David: Life is strange. Just one of those tiny screws isn't screwed on tight enough, that thing could fall and kill us instantaneously, just chop us to bits like a cuisinart.

Keith: Yeah, an assassin with a semi-automatic could walk through the door and spray our brains all over the place.

David: The sun could become a supernova and engulf the entire planet in flames. (DAVID's cell phone rings. He answers.) David Fisher.

Federico: (sewing up Romano) Yeah, we just got a call from Claire’s school. She's in trouble.

David: Can't Mom handle this?

Federico: Nuh uh. She's MIA. And besides, I think you might be interested in what they told me.

David: (listens for a beat) What?! Start from the beginning. Jesus! OK, I'll be right there. Until then, tell Nate--Oh, great, he's MIA, too? Alright, bye. (hangs up) There's a rumor going around school that my sister put a dismembered foot into some boy's locker.

Keith: Shut the fuck up.

DAVID thinks back to earlier in the day. He “sees” her stealing the foot off the floor, in slow motion, and then brushing against him as she runs up the stairway.

David: She did it. I know she did.

Keith: Where's the foot now?

David: I don't know. The student who supposedly found it now denies that it ever happened.

Keith: OK, where's your sister?

David: No one knows. A police report has been filed, and now Mom is supposed to meet with the principal at 9 tomorrow. I don't understand kids. When I was her age, I never would have taken a foot.

Keith: David, I can help. I'm a cop. That's what I do for a living.

David: You find feet?!

Scene Twelve: Fritzen House

NATE and BRENDA enter the former home of the Fritzens', the house across the street that has recently been purchased by Kroehner.

Nate: What the fuck am I gonna do?

Brenda: Tell me who lived here again.

Nate: The Fritzens. I totally fucked things up. I kept us from selling, and now we're gonna go under, and it's all because of me. I'm a fucking moron.

Brenda: You used to hang out over here?

Nate: Jeannie Fritzen and I used to play here after school. Both her parents worked. Brenda, this is serious. My entire family could go bankrupt.

Brenda: So, swallow your pride, go back to the corporation and sell.

Nate: They cut their offer in half now that they know we're so quick to buckle under. Plus, I really don't wanna let that greedy little Nazi win.

Brenda: Oh, so this is a pissing contest.

NATE looks up and sees himself, as a child, being chased by JEANNIE FRITZEN.

Jeannie: Nate, I'm gonna get you!

Nate: I lost someone's foot today.

Brenda: (laughs and then says) Sorry.

Nate: I really thought I had like this profound revelation. Fuck, if this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, then what is?

Brenda: Living it. And you're doing that, so relax.

Nate: You really don't give a fuck what I'm going through, do you?

Brenda: Sure. As much as I can, given we've known each other less than a month. There's no big investment. I mean that's part of the appeal for both of us. Right? Right? (They kiss.)

Nate: Jeannie Fritzen tried to kiss me in this room. I wouldn't let her.

Brenda: You can't control things. Nobody can.

Nate: Shut up.

Brenda: There's only one thing that's certain: everything changes.

Nate: Shut up.

They kiss again and begin to take off each other's clothes. NATE, as a child, and JEANNIE FRITZEN enter and watch.

Scene Thirteen: Outside the School

KEITH is talking to GABRIEL. DAVID is sitting in the passenger seat of KEITH's cop car.

Gabriel: I already talked to the other cops. I mean, I don't understand why I have to go through this again.

Keith: Because this time, I want the truth.

Gabriel: Man--

Keith: Now, a witness already said she saw you running down the hall screaming the crazy funeral home girl put a foot in your locker.

Gabriel: It was a joke. OK? It was just a joke. She's just this girl who's kind of a loser, and we all pick on her, you know? She totally asked for it.

Keith: You know, modern technology's really something.

Gabriel: I don't care, man.

Keith: You should. We now have chemicals we can put on our hands to tell if you've touched human remains.

Gabriel: No way.

Keith: You wanna tell me what really happened today?

Gabriel: (noticing DAVID in the car) Who's that?

Keith: That's my partner. You'd better be glad you don't have to mess with him. That guy's into some crazy ass shit. Now, either you can tell me where you put the foot, or you're gonna be dealing with that crazy ass motherfucker.

DAVID waves.

Scene Fourteen: Racetrack

RUTH cheers and hugs AMELIA.

Amelia: We won!!! Oh God, I just can't believe it! I won $6!!!

Ruth: I told you this would be fun.

Amelia: How much did you win?

Ruth: I don't know. 4000.

Amelia: 4000 what?

Ruth: Dollars. (They both laugh.) Oooh, and by the way, I had an affair with a hairdresser last year.

Amelia: You did?!

Ruth: Yup. (smiles and laughs.)

Scene Fifteen: Fritzen House, nighttime

NATE is dreaming. He sees JEANNIE FRITZEN sitting before him, with a play tea set.

Jeannie: Are you a cup? How many cups are you? I'm a loaf of bread.

We hear a cell phone noise. JEANNIE makes a pretend phone out of her thumb and pinkie finger, and speaks into the phone; however, her voice has turned into BRENDA's.

Jeannie: Hello? OK. Talk slowly.

NATE begins to wake up and realizes that the last things JEANNIE had said were actually BRENDA talking on her cell phone. We hear mostly unintelligible yelling coming out of the phone.

Male Voice: Bren? When can I see you? I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do...

Brenda: I'm gonna see you in a few hours.

Male Voice: Fuck... (more unintelligible talking)

Brenda: Slow down... Slower... Well, you're gonna have to wait... Because you have to.

Nate: (waking up) Brenda?

Male Voice: What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?

Brenda: Just stay there. I'll call you in half an hour.

Male Voice: Promise?

Brenda: I promise. (She hangs up.)

Nate: Who was that?

Brenda: Nothing to worry about. I've gotta go.

Nate: Brenda, who was it?

Brenda: Just someone else, OK? Just back off. I--I can't deal with this right now. I'll call you. (She begins to walk away, but then returns to him.) I'm glad you're staying in town. (She kisses him and leaves.)

Scene Sixteen: Keith’s Car

David: He threw it out of his car?!

Keith: He was taking it to show some friends. And it hit him: might get it trouble, what with people not really supposed to be in possession of other peoples' feet. He tossed it out.

David: I've gotta get home. Just drop me off, and I'll pick up my car later.

Keith: Alright, I'll take a look where he said he tossed it.

David: You don't have to do that.

Keith: Hey, how can I sleep, huh? Knowing that there's a foot on the loose?

Scene Seventeen: Fisher Kitchen

Nate: You lost $25,000 that’s just gone?!

Ruth: I suppose it still exists. It's just not mine anymore.

Nate: I'm waiting for an explanation.

Ruth: Don't talk to me like a child. I was on a--what do you call it?--a roll, so I kept betting more and more, and I just felt so good, like I was living someone else's life. I was up $9000, and then I started to lose, and then I started to feel like me again, and so I kept betting more and more and more and losing more and more.

Nate: You should have been more careful.

Ruth: I don't wanna be careful. I wanna feel alive.

Nate: There should be a way to do that that's a little less expensive.

Ruth: I have a right to make mistakes, Nate. You, of all people, shouldn't begrudge me that.

They stop talking when DAVID enters.

David: What?

Ruth: I lost $25,000, alright? OK? You got it out of me. Now leave me alone! (She leaves.)

Scene Eighteen: Park, nighttime

KEITH is searching for the foot with a flashlight. He finds CLAIRE out there, too.

Claire: Hey.

Keith: Claire?

Claire: You're David's friend.

Keith: Keith. What's going on?

Claire: Not much.

Scene Nineteen: Service for Mr. Romano

NATE and DAVID stand together in the back of the room, which is full with people mourning the death of Mr. Romano.

Nate: So where is Claire now? (DAVID shrugs.) Well, I've gotta say: I'm totally relieved. (DAVID gives him a horrified look.) That I didn't lose it.

Federico: (entering) Hey.

David: Nice job, Rico.

Federico: Thank you.

Meanwhile, BARBARA, PAULINE, and JUDY are coming up to the coffin.

Pauline: Boy, they did do a marvelous job. They ought to. They charged a fortune.

She tries to open the bottom of the coffin. DAVID quickly runs to her.

David: Can I assist you, Miss Romano?

Judy: Yeah, I know it's silly, but I just want to see with my own eyes that Pop's put together right.

Pauline: We get to do that, don't we?

FEDERICO looks scared. But they open the bottom, and see both legs. JUDY cries.

Pauline: Good.

DAVID closes the bottom.

Judy: I think I'll be able to sleep much better now.

NATE and DAVID return to FEDERICO.

Nate: Rico, you gave him a foot?

Federico: Yeah, yeah. I thought it was for the best. Remember that--remember that leg of lamb that your mother had in the back of her freezer like forever?

David: OK, stop--

Federico: Enbalmed. Wrapped with latex and duct tape.

Scene Twenty: Park

Claire: Well, I was following him home to get it back when I saw him toss it. Now I've been here four hours and I can't find it.

Keith: Describe it to me again.

Claire: It's a foot.

Keith: Why did you take it in the first place?

Claire: Well, at the time, it seemed like a good way to pay him back for something. I just wanted to shake him up. I don't understand how guys can be so unshakable.

Keith: I know what you mean.

Claire: Did you ever suck a guy's toe?

Keith: Yeah.

Claire: Me too.

Scene Twenty-One: Mr. Romano's Service

David: Have you been watching Mrs. Romano?

Federico: Yeah. Been watching her all night. You thinking what I'm thinking?

David and Federico: Casket climber.

Nate: Her? She doesn't look that energetic.

Federico: Yeah, well they're the ones that really go for it.

Nate: (to David) So we should probably have a conversation with Rico about what's going on with Kroehner. (DAVID looks annoyed.)

Federico: OK. So there was no baby christening the other day. I lied. I only took one meeting with Gilardi.

David: You met with him? Why?

Federico: Hey, Gilardi called me, OK? I had the right to consider my options.

David: My father put you through mortuary school.

BARBARA runs to the casket and opens the bottom. She tries to climb in.

Barbara: I wanna go with you! I wanna go with you!

NATE, DAVID and FEDERICO run to the coffin.

Federico: Mrs. Romano, whoa, whoa, Mrs. Romano. Come on, it's OK.

Judy: Mommy...

Federico: Here we go, Mrs. Romano.

They all help pulling her off.

Pauline: I'm very sorry.

Scene Twenty-Two: Park

Keith: I give up. It's not here. This probably isn't over. There's a lesson to be learned that your actions have consequences.

Claire: Oh, yeah, well, Gabe should learn that. I know you and my brother are like gay.

Keith: OK.

Claire: What do you see in him?

Keith: He's just David, ya know?

Claire: I know. That's why I’m asking.

Keith: (laughs) He is smart. He's kind. He's funny. I know he can be a little uptight, but underneath that, he's such a little boy. Innocent. And I like that. Most of the men I meet, well they kind of just want me to be one thing.

Claire: Like what? Big black sex cop? “Sorry, I was speeding, officer. Guess you have to punish me now”.

Keith: Yeah. (laughs) And I don't wanna be that. Rent a video! (CLAIRE laughs.) David, he gets me. When someone sees you as you really are and wants to be with you, that's powerful.

Claire: Whatever. I wish I could know the David you know.

Keith: You could be a little nicer to him. He's under a lot of stress with that cremation place opening across the street.

Claire: What cremation place?

Scene Twenty-Four: Fisher Front Hall and Porch

NATE, DAVID and RUTH are alone. The funeral is over.

Ruth: She stole a foot? From a person?

David: Yes, would it have been better if it was an animal's?

Nate: A little bit.

Ruth: You wake up one day, and your baby's stolen a foot. Where have I been?

David: Losing $25,000.

CLAIRE enters and they all give her weird looks.

Claire: Hey--OK, I've had a long day. Oh, David, I ran into your friend, Keith.