Épisode Le testament S01E02 - Six Feet Under Saison 1

Prelude

 

Scene: An Outdoor Pool in the Backyard of a House

 

CHANDLER JAMES SWANSON, a handsome man in his mid-thirties, stands talking to a group of three men. Meanwhile, his wife, ADELE, sits at a nearby table, chatting with these men's wives. She is a young woman, holding her baby. CHANDLER lights a cigar. "Ain't That A Kick in the Head" plays in the background.

 

Chandler: You can have anything you want. It's yours for the taking. Now, we've been conditioned to think that this isn't fair somehow, that that's taking away something from someone else, right?

Other Men: (ad lib) Right, right.

Chandler: Wrong. The bounty of the universe is without limits.

 

The camera moves to the women.

 

Woman: What exactly is Beauty Vision, anyway?

Adele: Oh, it's a personalized life management system.

Woman: Sounds kinda culty.

 

Back to CHANDLER.

 

Chandler: Everybody wants a better life. Shit, two years ago, I was living out of my fuckin' car.

 

Back to ADELE.

 

Adele: He told me the first time we went out, he was going to marry me. It was unbelievably romantic, and now I have this beautiful baby.

 

Back to CHANDLER.

 

Chandler: And this is what Beauty Vision is. It's a way of seeing the world without fear. Now, these new territories, they're gonna go so fast. Franchise fee is 45,000.

Man: Sign me up.

Chandler: Are you really ready for this?

Man: (smiles) Fuck, yeah. (laughs)

Chandler: Well, welcome to Beauty Vision. (shakes his hand)

 

Back to ADELE.

 

Woman: Your husband is gorgeous.

Adele: Thank you. (Meanwhile, CHANDLER dives into the pool.) He spends an hour on the Stairmaster every day.

 

CHANDLER does not surface right away. Then, a tumult arises among the men.

 

Man: Jesus, is that blood? Shit!

Man #2: Must have hit his head on the bottom of the pool.

 

The man jumps into the pool, where we see CHANDLER lying at the bottom, bleeding profusely from the head. ADELE stands up, horrified.

 

Adele: Chandler! Chandler! Oh my God!

 

The screen fades to white.

 

"CHANDLER JAMES SWANSON
JULY 29, 1967-JANUARY 8, 2001"

 

Act One

 

Scene One: Keith’s Apartment

 

DAVID and KEITH are lying naked in bed together. It is the morning.

 

Keith: Wake your tired ass up, sleepyhead. (kisses DAVID)

David: What's for breakfast?

Keith: Me, stupid.

 

DAVID laughs and starts to make out with KEITH. Suddenly, NATHANIEL, SR. appears, sitting beside the bed. DAVID stops, horrified.

 

Nathaniel, Sr.: Now, uh, which one of you is the wife?(DAVID pushes KEITH away.) No, no, keep going, keep going. I'm kind of curious as to how this works.

 

DAVID awakes with a start. He is alone in the bed. He jumps up and puts on his pants in a hurry. KEITH enters in a robe.

 

Keith: No breakfast?

David: Why'd you let me sleep so late?

Keith: I didn't have the heart to wake you up. You looked so relaxed, which I don't see that often.

David: Today's the reading of Dad's will. You know about that.

Keith: It'll all be over real soon. Thank you for sleeping over.

David: You snore.

 

KEITH laughs and they kiss on the lips.

 

Keith: Don't forget about the meeting tomorrow night.

David: You think I'd miss a meeting of gay police and firemen?

Keith: You'll like these guys. They're cool. I'll pick you up around 7. We'll get a bite to eat first.

David: Call me before you head over.

Keith: So you can weasel your way out of it?

David: I never know when I'm gonna have to work, Keith. And this is a busy time for us. A lot of people hold on for one last Christmas and then buh-bye. (Kisses him again.)

 

Scene Two: Brenda’s House

 

NATE is lying on his stomach on BRENDA's floor. His shirt is off. She is giving him a shiatsu massage.

 

Nate: I always thought shiatsu was more intense than this.

Brenda: Oh, we'll get there. I'm just trying to find out where you're wounded.

Nate: Wounded? I got stabbed in the thigh with a Bic pen once.

Brenda: I wasn't speaking literally.

Nate: Aah!

Brenda: Oh, here's a good one. Old but recently reopened.

Nate: You're so full of shit.

Brenda: We're all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us throughout life and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time, in us.

Nate: Alright.

 

NATE rolls over onto his back.

 

Brenda: No.

Nate: I'm sure this is all very deep and profound, but I get enough death at home. You're supposed to be my haven away from all that.

Brenda: I'm not supposed to be anything. (They kiss.)

 

Scene Three: Outside the Fisher House

 

NATE and DAVID each pull into the driveway, in their respective cars.

 

Nate: (speaking in a robot voice, similar to HAL in "2001: A Space Odyssey") Morning, Dave. Aren't those the same clothes you had on yesterday?

David: Everything I own looks alike.

Nate: I sense you're not being completely honest with me, Dave.

David: Have you changed any since you were 14?

Nate: (laughs) Hey. I'm all for you getting laid, believe me.

 

Scene Four: Fisher Kitchen

 

NATE enters. RUTH is at the sink, washing peaches.

 

Nate: Morning. (Shows RUTH a container of raspberries) You gotta try these. They're hydroponic. Put them in water. I know the guy who grows them. He's a big supplier to the co-op.

Ruth: So my peaches are no good?

Nate: What? No, they're fine.

 

CLAIRE enters.

 

Ruth: Mr. Hickey wants us there on time for the reading of the will. We should all go in the same car.

Claire: Great, I have to miss another day of school? What am I, like some poor knocked-up Victorian waif who has to stay hidden from view?

Ruth: Fine, go to school; stay out all night; live in the streets; see if I care. (She leaves.)

Claire: Was she like this when you were growing up?

Nate: No, not really, but she was well on her way.

 

DAVID enters.

 

David: Morning.

Nate: (doing the HAL voice) We are looking quite spiffy in that suit, Dave.

David: (sarcasticaly) That's so clever. You're talking like the computer in the movie. Wow, you're funny.

Nate: (laughs, speaks normally) Hey, have a hydroponic raspberry, grown by a guy named Gunther, once slept with Stevie Nicks.

Claire: Eew!

Nate: So, Dave, you gonna tell us about her?

Claire: Who?

Nate: Well, he's got a friend. Hey, are you and Jennifer back together?

David: No.

Nate: (HAL voice) Have you met someone else, Dave?

Claire: Leave him alone.

Nate: (HAL voice) Someone from outside your pod?

Claire: Shut up, asshole.

David: Thank you, Claire.

 

The doorbell rings, and DAVID goes to answer it.

 

Claire: Why are you still here, anyway? Why don't you go back to Seattle?

Nate: Because I would miss the joyful sense of belonging I get here.

 

Scene Five: Fisher Front Door

 

DAVID answers the front door. ADELE SWANSON stands on the porch, holding her baby.

 

Scene Six: Room Behind the Curtain

 

Adele: I have no idea what kind of service he'd want.

David: Well, the scale depends on who he was and how he saw himself, the statement that he made with his life.

Adele: He was... He was like, so dynamic. He had his own business--Beauty Vision.

David: The infomercial?

Adele: Chandler invented it.

David: Large scale. (writes in his pad) I'll arrange viewings for tomorrow and the next day at Cedar Hill. Service 4,200. Now, we should choose on an appropriate resting vessel, one that befits a man of his stature. (ADELE begins to cry. DAVID passes her the tissue box.) May I ask what kind of car your husband preferred?

Adele: He drives a BMW.

David: Do you know which model?

Adele: The biggest, fastest one.

David: (taking out catalogue) I recommend the Titan Series. Solid mahogany, pan finished with burwood accents, the same wood used in luxury automobile interiors.

Adele: Looks expensive.

David: 9000. It's more than just a casket. It's a tribute, really.

Adele: OK. Are we finished?

David: Major credit card to get us started. (waves at the baby) Hi!

 

Scene Seven: Lawyer’s Office

 

MR. HICKEY, the lawyer, reads NATHANIEL, SR.'s will to RUTH, CLAIRE, NATE and DAVID.

 

Hickey: (reading) I, Nathaniel Samuel Fisher, a resident of Los Angeles County, California, declare this to be my last will, and revoke all former wills and codicils. First, to my wife, Ruth, I leave all cash, bank accounts, stocks, and bonds that are in my name. (aside, to RUTH) That's in addition to the life insurance. (continues reading) Second, I bequeath the company, Fisher & Sons Funeral Home, and all real property in business interest, attached as follows: 50% to my son, David James Fisher, and 50% to my son, Nathaniel Samuel Fisher, Jr.

Nate: What?! (laughs) Was he high? Why would he do that?

 

DAVID stands up and leaves abruptly. NATE follows.

 

Nate: David!

Claire: Wow, I guess I don't even rate.

Hickey: No, he set up a trust for you.

 

Scene Eight: Hallway Outside Office

 

Nate: David, hey wait. David, David, David, David. I don't want it.

David: Well, excuse me while I go contemplate the irony of that.

 

DAVID goes down the stairs.

 

Scene Nine: Lawyer's Office

 

Claire: What's my recourse here?

Hickey: Recourse? Your entire college education is provided for.

Claire: So I don't get anything?

Ruth: You get education, Claire. A privilege that not everyone gets.

Claire: Well, what if I don't wanna go to college?

Hickey: Well, you need it these days, not just to succeed but to survive.

Claire: OK. Spare me the tough love rationalization. Just bottom line it, please.

Hickey: Should you decide not to go to college, the money will become available to you when you're 25.

Claire: So this is like blackmail from beyond the grave!

 

Scene Ten: First Floor of Building

 

Nate: What in the hell was Dad thinking? Is this some kind of sick joke?

Ruth: It's Fisher and Sons. You're the sons.

Claire: Mom gets half a million in life insurance, which is completely fair, but I have these huge strings attached?

Ruth: Let's not talk about what's fair.

Nate: Mom, you can have my half.

Ruth: No, your father knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted everybody happy, and we will be happy!

Claire: I guess what I want is totally irrelevant!

Nate: Dave, listen. I think this is all wrong. It should be yours. Or yours and Mom's.

David: I really don't wanna discuss it now.

Ruth: Maybe I'll move to Florida.

David: That's ridiculous, Mom, and it's not helping.

Ruth: You're all adults, and Claire will be leaving next year.

Claire: Yeah, to join the Marines! I wanna learn to kill, kill, kill!

 

Scene Eleven: Outside the Fisher House

 

The Fishers pull up in the car. Meanwhile, FEDERICO is taking a corpse out of his trunk. The Fishers get out of the car.

 

David: Is that Mr. Swanson? How does he look?

Federico: Easy. Head split open. Some scalp work, hair extensions to cover the stitches. Maybe.

 

CLAIRE gets into her car to go to school.

 

Claire: You guys are in my way.

Federico: (to Ruth) Mrs. F. (RUTH goes into the house; to David) Vanessa just called. We've got a fresh one at Baybury's.

David: You pick it up. I'll get Swanson started.

Federico: No can do. I've still got to finish Mrs. Huffington.

David: Federico, her viewing is at 3 o'clock.

Federico: Yeah, well, she's majorly jaundiced.

David: Well, just crank up the pink pen spots over her casket.

Federico: David, the woman looks like a banana. I don't dare brush her, the family's gonna freak! You wanna put her out like that? Then take my name off the certificate!

David: Nate, I need you to pick up at Baybury's Nursing Home.

Nate: Uh... I don't really know how.

David: You put him on a gurney, put the gurney in the car, bring it home, take the elevator to the basement, put him in the freezer. You think you can handle that? You own half the business now. Start pulling your weight.

 

CLAIRE honks her horn.

 

Claire: Newsflash! Other people exist!

 

The men move out of the way, as CLAIRE zooms out of the driveway.

 

Federico: (aside, to NATE) Hey, uh. Give me 20 minutes. I'll go with you.

Nate: Thanks.

 

Scene Twelve: The Van

 

FEDERICO drives NATE.

 

Nate: So did Dad ever say anything that might explain why he'd do this? Like, "Hey, Federico, I've lost my fucking mind!"

Federico: It's a good business. Steady.

Nate: I guess he was still pissed at me for not going into it, but what does he think? He can force me?

Federico: Maybe he was pissed at Dave.

 

Scene Thirteen: Parking Lot of the High School

 

CLAIRE leaves her school and heads for her car. She gets in. GABRIEL is standing nearby, talking to two girls. When he sees CLAIRE, he approaches her.

 

Gabriel: Hey... Do you wanna go to a thing tonight?

Claire: I'm really not in the mood for a thing tonight, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Come on, don't go through this alone.

Claire: Fat chance. It's like I've got a big sign on my head that says, "Freak with the dead dad." And like all these people who are so tragic even knew him.

Gabriel: I met your dad once. Remember? He buried my grandmother, Alice.

Claire: Why are you talking to me?

Gabriel: You think I'm a jerk?

Claire: Yes.

Gabriel: You know, you're different now. You can see through walls.

Claire: Uh huh. Don't your skanks need to be walked?

Gabriel: I wanna see you.

 

CLAIRE drives away.

 

Scene Fourteen: Outside the Fisher House/Fisher Front Hall

 

RUTH is standing on her porch, and she is approached by MATT GILARDI.

 

Gilardi: Mrs. Fisher? I'm Matthew Gilardi. Do you have a moment? Did David mention me, by any chance?

 

They enter the house.

 

Ruth: I don't think he did.

Gilardi: Well, I thought I'd drop off the details of our buy-out offer so you can look it over. The terms are quite generous, especially the stock options. (hands her a brochure)

Ruth: Who are you to buy us out? I never saw you before in my life.

Gilardi: I represent Kroehner Services International.

Ruth: A chain?

Gilardi: Kroehner is a family of quality death-care facilities, Mrs. Fisher. We have 157 units in Southern California, and we're inviting you to be 158. You really should discuss this situation with your son, David.

Ruth: I have two sons.

Gilardi: Really? I was only aware of one.

Ruth: I know how many sons I have, Mr. Gilardi.

Gilardi: Yes, ma'am. Just look at the numbers. I'll let myself out.

 

Scene Fifteen: Baybury Nursing Home

 

Nate: (to some elderly patients) Good morning. How are you folks today?

Federico: Don't expect to be popular.

 

VANESSA DIAZ, FEDERICO’s wife, who works at the nursing home as a nurse, approaches FEDERICO and kisses him. She is visibly pregnant.

 

Vanessa: Hey, baby! (to Nate) Nate, look at you.

Nate: Look at you!

Vanessa: Four and a half months, and this one wants out already.

Federico: Mr. Suarez ready to go?

Vanessa: Yeah, honey. We got a little problem. My sister can't pick up Julio from pre-school. She got another callback from that cat food commercial.

Federico: Your sister. Well, what about my career, huh? I can't do it. Not today. David's head would explode.

Vanessa: Nate, you oughtta remind your brother how many clients I have referred to you guys from here, and tell him to cut Rico some slack.

 

FEDERICO speaks to her angrily in Spanish. She replies angrily, and marches out of the room.

 

Nate: Rico, go. I'm the new boss, right?

Federico: OK. I'm telling Dave you said I could.

Nate: Yeah.

Federico: Yeah.

Nate: I can do this. I just need some help getting him onto the gurney.

 

NATE puts on disposable gloves, and again has the flashback to himself as a young boy, from the previous episode.

 

Nathaniel, Sr.: You can touch him if you wear one of these. Believe me, he won't mind.

 

NATE snaps out of it.

 

Federico: Alright. Pull the bed back. Line it up with the gurney.

Nate: (after doing that) Alright. Like this?

Federico: (referring to the body bag on the gurney) Let me take this off for a second. (He does that) Alrighty. You grab his shoulders. (NATE does this, FEDERICO takes the legs) On 3. Ready? 1,2,3

 

They lift Mr. Suarez, and the sheet that had been covering him comes off. Mr. Suarez's penis is erect.

 

Nate: Whoa!

Federico: Angel lust.

Nate: Does that happen a lot?

Federico: A fair amount. You can be dead, but you're never really dead.

 

Scene Sixteen: The Van/Restaurant

 

NATE drives the van, with Mr. Suarez's corpse in the back. Mr. Suarez begins to make strange groaning noises. Just then, BRENDA calls on NATE's cell phone. We see her seated at a table in a restaurant.

 

Brenda: So I've been thinking. We skipped way too many steps. We need to have a first date.

Nate: OK.

Brenda: I'm at Pino, Hollywood. Know where that is?

Nate: You mean right now?

Brenda: Yeah.

Nate: Uh, I'd love to, but I've got a dead body in the car with me.

Brenda: Wow, I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to get away from that. Come on. Just a glass of wine. 15 minutes. The dead guy won't mind.

 

Scene Seventeen: Outside the Restaurant

 

NATE pulls the car up to the front of the restaurant, and hands the keys to the valet.

 

Nate: Do me a favor. Keep out of the sun.

Valet: Yeah, sure.

 

Scene Eighteen: Restaurant

 

BRENDA and NATE are seated, each with a glass of wine. They are in the middle of a conversation.

 

Nate: I'd forgotten. They make these noises, and air comes out. It's like--(He simulates the noise Mr. Suarez made).

Brenda: No!

Nate: Dad knew that I hated this whole fucked up business. He should respect that. And poor Dave, I'd be pissed, too, although he does seem to take to this extra Old Testament level.

Brenda: So does that mean you're not going back to Seattle on Sunday?

Nate: Fuck!

Brenda: OK. Don't think about it. Tell me about yourself. Like this is our first date and we never had sex before you knew my name.

Nate: You mean the recap of major life events told in a humorous and self-deprecating manner, which almost always gets me laid? No.

Brenda: Why not?

Nate: I'm not that guy with you.

Brenda: Who are you?

Nate: I don't know. Somebody new.

Brenda: It's because of your father. You were with me at your most vulnerable. You felt comfortable. You felt really accepted.

Nate: You always analyze guys on the first date?

Brenda: Only if they're interesting.

Nate: Oh, so you think I'm interesting?

Brenda: Oh, yeah. I don't meet that many men with dead guys with hard-ons in their car.

 

Scene Nineteen: The Van

 

NATE is driving. All of a sudden, he hears a fart noise from the back of the car, and starts to make faces as he smells an awful smell.

 

Scene Twenty: Fisher Kitchen

 

DAVID and RUTH are sitting at the table.

 

David: So when Mrs. Swanson's credit card didn't go through, I ran a credit check, and they were in debt up to their ears. We have a $3,200 Titan Casket being delivered tomorrow.

Ruth: Why didn't you tell me there's an offer to buy us out?

David: I know what you and Dad thought of Kroehner Service International.

Ruth: You don't know what I think. Not that it matters to you. And Nate is not your enemy. He'll do whatever you want.

David: Why do you say that? He spent his entire life doing what he wants. Dad must've really hated me.

Ruth: Hush!

 

NATHANIEL, SR. appears in the doorway.

 

Nathaniel, Sr.: It's Fisher & Sons, and that's gotta continue. And you're never gonna have any kids.

 

NATE enters.

 

David: Well, it's about time. What took you so long?

Nate: I stopped to eat.

Ruth: I wish you'd called.

Nate: I think Mr. Suarez kinda shit himself. Is that normal?

David: You stopped to eat? Do you have any respect for human life at all?

Nate: I have a huge respect for human life. I just didn't know they can take a dump when they're dead.

David: Well, they can. Make a note.

Ruth: Boys, I don't like this bickering.

David: Yeah? Well, I don't like you sleeping with hairdressers.

 

RUTH slaps DAVID hard in the face.

 

Scene Twenty-One: Fisher Front Hall

 

NATE follows DAVID into the front hall.

 

Nate: Look, don't take this out on Mom. What is it you wanna say to me?

David: Well, there's a body that spent over two hours in a van, unrefrigerated, decomposing at a rate much faster than you could ever imagine. Thanks for making my life just that much more difficult. Thanks for undermining my authority with our employees. And thanks for making it so clear to me that my choice to dedicate myself to this business and to this family was really stupid, because, apparently, I would've been rewarded just the same for wasting my life.

Nate: Oh, my life is a waste? Fuck you! At least I enjoy it.

David: Well, lucky you.

Nate: Dave, at least let me help.

David: You've helped enough.

 

Scene Twenty-Two: Claire’s Car, parking lot, nighttime

 

CLAIRE and GABRIEL are sitting in the car, smoking pot.

 

Claire: It's just not fair that my whole life is being decided by other people.

Gabriel: Hey, college is paid for, they have great parties, no student loans to pay off.

Claire: I'm not exactly a party person. By the way, that shit you gave me the night my dad died, it really fucked me up.

Gabriel: I'm sorry about that.

Claire: You should be. Why is college like the only option? I don't even know what I wanna do. I just feel like there's something inside me. I'd just like to figure out what it is before I get like completely reprogrammed.

Gabriel: Hey, nobody could reprogram you. You're the most original girl in the school. Come on. Look at this car that you drive. This face that you drive.

Claire: Thanks a lot, liar.

Gabriel: I'm serious. You know how much guts it takes to be somebody like you? (They kiss.)

 

Act Two

 

Scene One: Basement of the Fisher House

 

Once again, we see the flashback of NATE and DAVID as boys, in the basement with their dad. This time, however, DAVID is remembering the scene, so we see more of it.

 

Nathaniel, Sr.: You can touch him if you wear one of these. Believe me, he won't mind. He won't care.

 

NATE runs out of the room, just as we had seen before.

 

Nathaniel, Sr.: Well, whaddaya got there, David? (DAVID shows him a naked G.I. Joe doll, which he had previously pretended to use as a gun.) Who is that? (DAVID points to the corpse.) That's him? That's Mr. Bloomberg? Put him right down next to him there, and see if it is. (DAVID does.) Oh, my goodness! Yeah, you're OK, David.

 

DAVID is standing next to both dead bodies, and NATE walks in.

 

Nate: Mom wants to see us.

 

Scene Two: Kitchen

 

RUTH is drinking coffee from a thermos, when DAVID and NATE enter. She is dressed for a hike.

 

Ruth: I'm going on a hike with someone.

Nate: OK.

David: OK?!

Ruth: I am not asking your permission, David. I am your mother. How dare you? You both have private lives, and I know it. Why shouldn't I?

Nate: You should. Go.

David: Excuse me. I need her to meet with Mrs. Swanson.

Ruth: It's Fisher and Sons. (she leaves)

David: Well, this sucks. I have to got to fight for a hole in the ground at Rosemont Cemetery, or Mr. and Mrs. Suarez won't be buried together. They'll be on opposite sides of the goddamned freeway.

Nate: Dave, listen. Can I do anything to help?

David: Can you tell Adele Swanson we know she's broke and can't afford the funeral she ordered? Can you do that?

Nate: I guess. (DAVID gives him a look.) Yes.

David: The Swansons are con-artists. They run a franchise pyramid scheme. They have no money, and they're not gonna con us too. I made some notes in case you're not familiar with credit reports.

Nate: You know, I work with vendors. Big ones. National ones. I'm not an idiot. I can do this.

David: Thank you. (DAVID leaves.)

Nate: Shit.

 

Scene Three: Outside the High School

 

CLAIRE meets GABRIEL outside.

 

Gabriel: What? Do you have to be anywhere tonight?

Claire: Not really.

 

They kiss. She laughs warmly.

 

Scene Four: Room Behind the Curtain

 

Adele: The other Mr. Fisher recommended the $9000 coffin. I didn't ask for it.

Nate: I think cremation is much more dignified, and it's within range, given the financial situation.

Adele: Chandler created Beauty Vision. We have franchises in 13 states and the nation of Uruguay.

Nate: How much did you know about your husband's business? Because he's been running up bad debts for some time.

Adele: We were always moving. I just thought it was because he was making so much money. Each place was nicer than the last.

Nate: His former partners are suing him. He had several credit cards maxed out, run-ins with the IRS dating to 1996, and Yale University would like him to stop telling people he went there.

Adele: This can't be happening. I have a baby. I can't go back to waitressing, and now you're telling me we can't even afford a coffin? What will people think?

Nate: Mrs. Swanson, I'm sitting here thinking why don't you rent it?

Adele: How much would that be?

Nate: How much do you have?

Adele: I don't know. My ATM card's not working.

Nate: We'll work something out. And afterwards, we'll give you his ashes in an urn.

 

ADELE cries. NATE sits beside her and holds her hand.

 

Nate: You really loved him, didn't you? (She nods and begins to cry. He hugs her.) OK. It’s OK. It’s alright, let it out.

 

Scene Five: The Woods

 

RUTH and HIRAM GUNDERSON are on their hike.

 

Hiram: I think it's good you told your boys about me.

Ruth: Are you kidding? It was insane. I certainly didn't choose to do it. It just happened.

Hiram: It was brave.

Ruth: It was guilt. I loved my husband.

Hiram: I know you did.

Ruth: Hiram, when I think of us now, I feel like I'm watching the whole thing on some sex channel on cable TV.

Hiram: Is that right?

Ruth: Yes, and that my husband might be watching us, too. I want some changes made, I’ll tell you that. I’m not answering dead calls all night long anymore. Let them hire somebody, or sell the business, or whatever.

Hiram: I want to take you somewhere away from all of this.

Ruth: No.

Hiram: They're adults. They can take care of themselves. I have 2 plane tickets to Costa Rica a week from Monday. Separate rooms.

Ruth: I was 19 when I got married. I've never been on my own. I wouldn't even know how. I'm sorry. You're a very kind person, and you've been good to me. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

 

She leaves a very dejected HIRAM.

 

Scene Six: Chandler's Viewing

 

CHANDLER lies in the coffin. We hear loud, boisterous music playing in the background, and see that NATE and ADELE are the only people there.

 

Nate: Good choice in music.

Adele: It's from his car. It's the last CD he ever heard.

 

An ANGRY MAN enters from outside.

 

Angry Man: Adele Swanson, your husband owes me $45,000!

 

NATE gets up and walks the man out.

 

Nate: Listen, he kept it all from her. Now she's broke with a baby, and you're going to leave her alone.

Angry Man: Who the fuck are you?

Nate: I own this place. Now get the hell out before I call the cops.

Angry Man: You people suck!

 

He leaves. Meanwhile, DAVID comes down from upstairs.

 

David: What was that?

Nate: Some freak Swanson owed money to.

David: Nate, I notice Mr. Swanson is in the Titan Casket.

Nate: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but she's giving it back. I made the deal for cremation.

David: They can't give it back. By law, it has to be burned with him. You just cost us $9000, you fucking moron.

Nate: What?! (The doorbell rings.) How was I supposed to know that?

 

DAVID answers the door. His former fiancee, JENNIFER MASON, stands, holding a basket.

 

Jennifer: I'm so sorry about your father.

David: Jennifer.

 

They hug.

 

Scene Seven: Kitchen

 

JENNIFER sits at the table with DAVID and RUTH.

 

Jennifer: I was in Boca Raton. My mom had to have her hip replaced.

Ruth: Oh, dear. How is she?

Jennifer: She's fine, thanks. So I didn't find out about Mr. Fisher till yesterday. I'm just heartbroken about it. I'll miss him.

David: Well, he adored you.

Ruth: Oh, David, I won't be answering the phones anymore.

David: Uh--ok.

 

Scene Eight: The Back of Claire's Car

 

CLAIRE and GABRIEL are naked, wrapped in sheets. They just had sex.

 

Gabriel: Now every part of your body has a new meaning to me.

Claire: We should go.

Gabriel: Like your nose. (touches her nose.)

Claire: Come on.

Gabriel: And your little hand. (touches her hand)

Claire: Hands, I get.

Gabriel: And your toes. (touches her toes.)

Claire: You're tickling!

Gabriel: Alright, here, try these. (puts his foot in her hand) You can play with mine.

Claire: You're right, now I don't feel anything.

Gabriel: See? It's perfect. Would you, um, no, I'm embarrassed.

Claire: What?

Gabriel: Would you rub it?

Claire: OK. (She starts to rub his foot.)

Gabriel: You're making my toe hard. (She laughs.) Do you wanna kiss it?

Claire: Your toe?! No.

Gabriel: Come on, I'll do something for you. Anything.

Claire: Aren't you forgetting something?

Gabriel: Oh... Please!

 

She starts to suck his toes. He closes his eyes, with an orgasmic expression on his face.

 

Scene Nine: Fisher Driveway

 

NATE is scrubbing the back of his car, and KEITH approaches him.

 

Nate: Uh... Filthy... Shit... Fuck.

Keith: Hey, Nate. Keith. I met you at your Dad's viewing.

Nate: Oh, yeah, David's racquetball partner.

Keith: Yeah. Is David inside?

Nate: No. He went out for dinner with his ex-fiancee. She missed Dad’s funeral, and they were pretty close, so--

Keith: Yeah, that's cool. I understand completely.

Nate: I have his cell phone number, if you wanna give him a call.

Keith: Already gave it a shot. He didn't answer.

Nate: Hey, is David any good? At racquetball? Because we used to play when I was in high school, and he was pathetic, running into walls--

Keith: Yeah, I think you'd be surprised just how good he's gotten.

Nate: Well, I'll tell him you came by.

Keith: Thanks.

 

Scene Ten: Slumber Room

 

ADELE is trying to wrench CHANDLER's watch off of his arm. RUTH walks by.

 

Ruth: Dear God!

 

She walks over to ADELE, who is crying.

 

Adele: I need to get his watch. I need to sell it for the money. My life is over!

Ruth: This is a hard time. The hardest.

Adele: It was all a lie! He left us with nothing, because there never was anything. (She pulls the watch off and hits him.) Bastard!

 

ADELE leaves. RUTH smooths CHANDLER's suit.

 

Scene Eleven: Restaurant, nighttime

 

DAVID and JENNIFER are having dinner. DAVID is drinking a lot of wine.

 

Jennifer: I almost died when I saw our engagement pictures still on your mantle.

David: Why? My family loved you. My father especially.

Jennifer: He loved you.

David: Yeah, he had a funny way of showing it. (He laughs.) I'm drunk.

Jennifer: Then I can ask. Are you happy?

David: I'm still me.

Jennifer: Your father knew. We had coffee once, and he said he understood why we couldn't be together. He said you spent so much time trying to make other people happy, you never thought about yourself. He worried about that. So, do you have anyone now? (DAVID nods.) Can you tell me about him?

David: You're completely wrong about my father. You didn't know him at all. Nobody did. Let's get a room at a hotel and fuck our brains out. How about it?

Jennifer: (looks repulsed) Jesus, David!

 

Scene Twelve: Hallway outside Keith's Apartment

 

DAVID drunkly saunters to KEITH's door and knocks gently. KEITH opens the door.

 

David: Hi. I got your message. Sorry I didn't call you back. I had to go out to County Hospital. The body's still in Long Beach. Autopsy's not even finished yet. It's unbelievable. How was the meeting?

Keith: Everyone asked about you. They wanna meet you.

David: I wanna meet them. (He rests his head on KEITH's chest.) I'm a little drunk. You might have to undress me.

Keith: OK. Right after you stop lying to me.

 

KEITH closes the door in DAVID's face. DAVID walks away.

 

Scene Thirteen: Brenda's Front Porch

 

BRENDA answers her door. NATE is there. She lets him in.

 

Scene Fourteen: Brenda's Bedroom

 

BRENDA and NATE are on the floor, with their clothes on, making out. Eventually, she rolls over on her back. NATE starts to unzip her dress. Then he notices a tattoo near her posterior. It says "Nathaniel".

 

Nate: Um, Brenda.

Brenda: Yes, Nate?

Nate: Why is my name tattooed on your ass?

Brenda: It's not your name.

Nate: Yes, it is.

Brenda: You're not the only person named that. (She rolls onto her back.) Nate, it's a coincidence. It's not you or anyone you know. (She smiles.) Come on, you think I'm so enamored with you I had your name burned into my flesh?

Nate: Then how come I never saw it before?

Brenda: We've had sex twice: once with our clothes on, and once in the dark after three martinis a piece.

Nate: Well, you obviously liked some guy enough to have his name burned in your flesh.

Brenda: I would have done a lot more than that for him. (They kiss.)

 

Act Three

 

Scene One: Brenda's Bedroom

 

NATE enters the Fisher house. He soon hears a hissing noise, similar to the one Mr. Suarez made earlier. He goes to the coffin lying in the Slumber Room, and opens it. DAVID is lying in it. DAVID talks to him with the "HAL" voice he was using on him earlier.

 

David: It's about time, you fucking moron.

Nate: What are you doing in there?

David: Could you help me out, you fucking moron?

Nate: Why can't you just climb out?

David: I think we both know the answer to that, you fucking moron.

 

NATE wakes up in bed with BRENDA the next morning. She is caressing a small area of his chest.

 

Brenda: You really should do something about this. It's really deep. Might as well be bleeding.

Nate: Could you be a little more dramatic?

Brenda: Oh, I could be a lot more dramatic. What are you doing today?

Nate: Dave and I have to go get the registration out of the wrecked hearse. Insurance won’t replace without it.

 

She kisses his chest.

 

Brenda: What time?

Nate: 2:30, I think.

Brenda: Take your cell phone.

Nate: OK.

Brenda: Promise me you will.

Nate: Alright.

 

They kiss and she gets up.

 

Brenda: OK.

 

Scene Two: Fisher Kitchen, breakfast

 

CLAIRE enters. RUTH gives her a plate of pancakes.

 

Claire: Oh, I don't feel like carbs this morning. Do we have any more of those Stevie Nicks raspberries?

Ruth: Claire, do you have an eating disorder?

Claire: What?! No, Mom, I wish.

 

CLAIRE takes the raspberries and leaves.

 

Scene Three: Room Behind the Curtain

 

DAVID walks in to see MR. SUAREZ, JR. sitting on the couch.

 

David: Are you being helped?

Suarez: Yeah, my pop's here--Suarez. (He looks at the catalogue.)

David: Of course. (looks at the page SUAREZ is reading) The Titan Series. Quite beautiful.

Suarez: Yeah? Give me a number.

David: 9000.

Suarez:You guys oughtta get your act together. You see, your brother said that this was on special, 4500, and then he came down to 4000, so why don't we start there?

 

Scene Four: Basement

 

Federico: That's not legal, reselling a coffin. There are fluids that seep, OK? And Mr. Swanson, he seeped.

 

DAVID enters.

 

David: What did you tell Mr. Suarez?

Nate: Hey, he wants a quality coffin. We happen to have one available.

Federico: I don't agree with this at all. It's against my beliefs.

David: Thank you, Federico.

Federico: And it's insanitary.

Nate: Well, they're dead. What disease can they possibly catch?

David: It's too late, Nate. It's a $9000 retail item. Our cost is 3200. We eat that, plus we lose the profit.

Nate: Wait. There's a $6000 mark-up?

 

NATE leaves, DAVID follows.

 

Scene Five: Room Behind the Curtain

 

David: Mr. Suarez, we cannot let you have that casket.

Suarez: I'm sorry to hear that.

Nate: We can't legally sell it to you, because, very briefly, it was occupied by another person.

Suarez: 3500.

Nate: Sold!

David: Absolutely not.

Nate: David, don't be a fucking moron.

Suarez: Look, fellas, let's split the difference, because I've gotta get a haircut before the service.

David: My brother has no authorization--

Nate: Mr. Suarez, it's a $9000 product. It's used one night. You're getting it at cost to us. Would you be willing to stipulate that you understand the condition of the coffin?

Suarez: Sure, whatever. May I make a suggestion? You've closed. Don't overclose. It kills the word-of-mouth.

 

Scene Six: Cemetary

 

NATE jogs through the cemetery, and reaches NATHANIEL, SR.'s grave. He looks at it. It is a large stone, that says "Nathaniel Samuel Fisher--June 9, 1943-December 24, 2000--Father, Husband, Caregiver." Beside it, there is a space that says "Ruth O'Connor" with no information filled in. NATHANIEL, SR. steps beside NATE.

 

Nathaniel, Sr.: Is that the best anybody could come up with? "Father, husband, caregiver"?

Nate: How would you prefer? "Introvert, sadist, mindfucker"?

 

GILARDI approaches NATE.

 

Gilardi: Excuse me, Mr. Fisher? Matt Gilardi. Kroehner Services International. I understand you're now part owner of the business. You are aware we've made a very rich buy-out offer for your unit.

Nate: OK.

Gilardi: This is a one time offer.

Nate: I don't know about that.

Gilardi: You think you can hold out? We control suppliers now. Where are you gonna get your chemicals? How about your caskets and liners? What about this Diaz kid? I mean, this guy is a top-notch restorative artist.

Nate: Are you threatening to put us out of business?

Gilardi: We look at it as a partnership. In the death care industry now, it's consolidate or die. Decide which, Nate, and give me a ring, 'cause we will put things into motion, either way. (He leaves.)

Nathaniel, Sr.: He'll put things in motion either way? Ooo hoo! Tough guy!

Nate: Shut up.

 

Scene Seven: Garage

 

NATE and DAVID approach the wrecked hearse.

 

Man: Right in here. Sign this right here.

 

NATE walks up to the hearse. The driver's side is completely smashed in.

 

David: Well, it's totaled. The insurance company was right about that.

Nate: (looking in) Fuck! There's still blood on the wheel!

 

DAVID goes around the car, reaches into the glove compartment, and pulls out the insurance papers.

 

David: OK, let's go.

 

Nate: Jesus, don't you feel anything?

David: Yeah, I feel betrayed.

 

NATE's cell phone rings.

 

Nate: (answering) Hello?

Brenda: Meet me at the corner of Sunset and Borden. Now. It's important.

Nate: What?

Brenda: Bring your brother. Trust me. You need to do this.

 

Scene Eight: Bus Stop/Bus

 

Nate: I spoke to Gilardi.

David: And?

Nate: He says we sell or they put us out of business.

David: Fuck.

Nate: I think we should sell.

David: And erase everything this family has meant for fifty years?

Nate: That might not be such a bad thing.

 

The bus pulls up to the bus stop. The doors open, and BRENDA is standing inside.

 

Brenda: Hey.

Nate: Brenda. Uh, this is my brother, Dave.

Brenda: Come on.

Nate: Come on, let's do this.

 

NATE and DAVID get into the bus with BRENDA. It starts to move. DAVID sits down.

 

Brenda: This is the bus.

Nate: What bus?

Brenda: The bus.

Nate: Brenda, this isn't funny. This is fucked up. What gives you the right to do something like this?

 

She points his attention to DAVID, who is sitting, and shaking. NATE sits down next to him.

 

David: He's--I never--

 

DAVID looks out the window and sees his father, as a younger man, holding him, as a young boy, in his arms, and smiling. DAVID looks stunned. NATE holds his hand, caressing it, and DAVID begins to cry. BRENDA watches them, kindly.